Realizations
by corneroffandom
Summary: After being arrested, Ethan's forced to face many hard truths.


Trigger warning for some adult subjects

Rockstar Spud had always been clingy. Possessive. Repeatedly announcing his closeness to the Carters, as though if doing so would keep them with him forever. For awhile, Ethan Carter III had been alright with indulging him, because Spud really was funny and an odd bright spot in this gritty, bitter business... but sometimes he overwhelmed him, left him itching for some time to himself. Not that being arrested had been what Ethan had in mind, exactly, but it happens. They're carted away, separated and Spud is ultimately kept due to issues with his work visa long after he and Rhyno are released.

Ethan trusts the matter to the Carter family lawyers and heads back to Tennessee to check on his Aunt D, who is still recuperating from what Bully Ray had done to her a couple of weeks ago. She's still on heavy duty painkillers and barely blinks when he walks in, sleeping off the rehab that she'd struggled through this afternoon. He sits with her and rubs his fingers over her hand, drowning in guilt. He had vowed to save her, had vowed that Bully would never lay a hand on her, but he hadn't been able to uphold his word. And now she's here, Spud's in prison, and he's wallowing under the futility of it all. "Dammit," he sighs, bowing his head over his hands and wishing it all would just end already.

He's still sitting there when Dixie stirs and her fingers brush through his hair, reminding him of years long past spent at her house, playing and exploring, having sleepovers and family dinners. "It's gonna be alright, darlin'," she says sleepily. "You'll see."

For a wild, impossible moment, he believes her.

-x

The next day proves her wrong. Immigration is still giving Spud grief, the lawyers doing what they can to convince every possible authority that extradition is unnecessary. That he can be released without worry, to continue doing his job. In any other circumstance, Ethan would involve himself more, light a real fire under the lawyers, but Dixie needs him just a bit more, her rehab still progressing albeit slowly, and he wants to be there for her... but after a long night of sitting around the house, listening to his nephews play quietly, in respect of their mother yet again in bed early, he feels that sensation.

A strange itch he gets when he's gone for a few days without seeing Spud, listening to his ridiculous rambling, hearing his laugh. He's never had a best friend, but he guesses this is what it feels like, to always want to know the other person's opinion, see how their eyes light up on certain topics. He's sure Spud would know what to do to bolster everyone's spirits during Dixie's recovery. Vowing to finally return to the police station first thing in the morning and get his best friend back, he heads up to peek in at his aunt one last time before bed.

To his surprise, she's awake and beckons him over to the bed. As he approaches, she smiles and strokes his face gently. "My sweet Ethan," she sighs. "You know I don't blame you for what's happened, right?" He's about to argue when her eyes darken, sharp despite the exhaustion lingering in their depths. "It's all that no good Spud's fault. I gave so much for that boy, a place in my company, a high position as my right hand man, and he can't even follow _one_ command. It should've been so simple, but no... of course not... He fails and now look at me... I can barely sit up some mornings..." She sighs and closes her eyes. "I should've left you in charge of things, not him. Forgive me my foolishness, Ethan. You deserved better."

He's not sure what to say. What to do. He had never blamed Spud- the flood of TNA wrestlers and knockouts coming to ensure that Bully would achieve his endgame goal would've left any of them floundering. Of course Spud had no chance against them, even if he hadn't fainted on the spot right then and there. It's not like she had succeeded in avoiding the onslaught even after he was out of the equation. But she's his aunt, and these sorts of thoughts feel like a betrayal. He grimaces and strokes her hand, relieved that she'd fallen asleep during his tormented thoughts.

 _Hopefully come morning, she'll have forgotten this,_ he thinks before leaving her room with a desperate glance back at her.

After an uncomfortable night's sleep, spent mostly tossing and turning, Ethan dresses as snappy as he can- white dress jacket, dark blue slacks, his favorite pair of dress loafers- before boarding the private plane that they use sometimes to fly to New York, going straight to the police station upon landing. The entire department seems sleepy, not eager to move, but his influence and obvious money does attract some attention, the lawyers he'd brought along for the ride also helping to move things along. Finally immigration concedes after some strong arming from the lawyers and they agree to allow Spud to roam the streets once more.

Ethan is sitting in a private room off of the squad room, waiting, when Spud is finally brought in. It takes a minute for him to realize that the harsh lighting overhead isn't playing tricks on him: Spud's face is bruised, his eyes are squinted nearly shut and he's trembling. Not a word is spoken as the officer who'd brought him up guides him over to a chair, uncuffing his wrists as he sits down. Ethan searches what of his best friend that he can see, an ominous chill rushing down his spine as Spud sits there. Finally he licks his lips and leans forward. "Spud?"

The man's silence terrifies Ethan. Worse than that, however, is how Spud recoils away from him as he tries to touch him, as if he doesn't recognize him.

Taking Spud to the hospital is an easy choice, although Spud's fright seems to grow with every step that they take down the bright hallway towards the nurse's desk. Ethan's hold on his arm is as gentle as he can manage, not wanting his best friend to bolt but also desperate not to hurt him further. As soon as a nurse looks at him, Ethan swallows hard. "My best friend... he was in prison for a few days," he explains quietly. "They released him but he's not speaking... and I think... I think something's wrong. I didn't know where else to go on short notice."

She stares at him for a moment before taking in Spud's bruises, how he's shaking and staring off into nothing. "Alright," she says softly. "Here's a form, we'll... come to get him in a moment."

Ethan nods, his mind racing a mile a minute as he guides Spud over to the waiting room chairs. They sit quietly, the droning of the TV and the various people talking thankfully not seeming to cause him any more anxiety. He fills out the forms as best as he can, aware that there's no point in asking Spud anything at this point in time. A quarter of the way through, he feels ill at how little he knows of Spud- medical history, anything relevant that could perhaps help... On the other hand, Spud could fill out _his_ forms in his sleep. "I'm so sorry," he whispers, hoping that somehow, someway, it registers with the shorter man.

It's a fight with the nurse, but once they take Spud back, Ethan follows and sits outside of the curtain the nurse had drawn around the bed. She's careful and gentle, whispering to him every step of the way, and Ethan too finds some comfort in her voice as he waits. Once she's done, she hands off Spud's clothing to another nurse and he's allowed back around the curtain, staring down at his best friend who's now wearing nothing but a hospital gown. Bruising along his legs and collar is now visible and Ethan's nausea grows with each patch of discoloration that he looks at. "You can sit with him," the nurse says. "But when we come back to do a more thorough examination, if I ask you to leave, you leave. Understand?"

He nods and she leaves the room. He hesitantly stands and settles on to the bed, wrapping an arm around Spud's thin shoulders. "I'm not sure what happened to you," he whispers into Spud's soft hair. "But I'm gonna be here for you every step of the way." The lack of response is terrible but expected. He thinks it's clear to everyone probably what traumatized Spud so badly, but no one comes out and says it. There had been jokes on social media about what would happen to a guy like Spud in jail, but the actual thought of it- physical proof of it... Ethan closes his eyes and counts to ten, knowing now is not the time to lose his mind.

After all, Spud needs him more than he's ever been needed by anyone in his whole life. He's not about to let him down again.

Somewhere between having tests run and waiting for the results, Spud falls asleep and Ethan sits and waits, struggling to be quiet, still, so that his best friend continues to get the rest he clearly needs. Somehow Ethan doubts he'd been sleeping at all in the prison. Not that the hospital is much quieter, but at least he's safe here. People here are looking out for his health and wellbeing, not to torture and terrorize him. A nurse peeks in after awhile and finds that her patient is fast asleep so she nods her head towards the halls and Ethan follows her. "What's the verdict?"

She licks her lips, rustling through the papers in her hands. "Since you're listed as his emergency contact and he's not in the right state of mind to be made aware of his own condition yet, I've been given permission to tell you what we've found." Time seems to slow as he struggles to listen to her, finally having to read her lips to piece it together. Once the flood of words stop, he sinks down into a nearby chair and runs his hands through his hair. "I'm sorry," she says quietly.

"What does this mean?" he wonders quietly. "Where do we go from here?" She continues to talk, things about therapy and support, future testing, and he pauses. Looks up at her. "You mean, he could still get sick from... from this?" She nods grimly and he groans, burying his face in his hands. "When can I take him home?"

She hesitates and looks inside of the room for a moment. "Perhaps when he wakes up. We'll see how he's doing then. But if he continues to not speak... I'd recommend maybe voluntary commitment... There are some really good psychiatric clinics we can put you in contact with."

Everything's moving too fast. He can't even think about committing Spud and leaving him in the care of strangers, not now. Probably not ever. "I need to sit with him," he mumbles, re-entering the room and staring into Spud's sleeping face. "No wonder you were so scared... I'm so sorry..." He lays down next to Spud and loosely wraps an arm around him. "I promise you, no one will ever touch you again." They lay like that for awhile, Spud's soft breaths soothing Ethan's soul bit by bit until he feels a soft touch on his forearm and looks down to find Spud's fingers curling around him, squeezing lightly.

It's the first clue that Spud recognizes his presence and Ethan sighs through a painful smile, hoping that it's a good sign. That more will come. He strokes his fingers through Spud's hair, hoping that it's comforting to him, watching the clock. Spud's naps usually only run an hour, maybe two if he's really exhausted, so Ethan's not that surprised that he sleeps for a little over three hours before tensing up and gasping aloud, his eyes shooting open. "It's ok," he whispers. "You're safe. It's just me."

Spud blinks and turns to look at him, blue eyes wide and wet, before he swallows and nods, relaxing slightly. Ethan strokes his shoulder, careful not to dislodge the hand that's still clinging to his arm, until the nurse comes in. "Ah, he's awake!" She smiles down at him and glances over at Ethan. "Has he spoke yet?"

"He just woke up," Ethan says quietly. "Spud?" His eyes flicker from Ethan to the nurse and back. "If you're up for it, they're going to release you and we can go home... but you need to say so, ok?" It hurts to push him but Ethan's focus is on the bruises, wondering if maybe there's some damage they're unaware of yet- not to mention, he just really wants to hear Spud's voice right now.

"Yes," he finally says quietly. It's faint, weak, but it's there.

Ethan sighs in relief and presses his face into Spud's shoulder before standing up. "Then let's get you released." He stands nearby while Spud changes into the street clothes he'd been wearing earlier, signing a couple of forms. The nurse beckons to Ethan once more and he follows her out into the hall, standing stoically as she presses flier upon flier into his arms, about trauma and therapy and everything else she can think of that might pertain to Spud's case. He struggles to hold onto his patience, hating to have Spud out of his sight for this long, before she finally concludes her rambles. "Thank you," he says quietly before turning briskly and walking back into the room.

Spud is standing, anxiously wringing his hands together, his eyes roving up to meet Ethan's. He holds his hand out and Spud takes it, allowing himself to be led out of the room, down the hall. His eyes are shut once more and Ethan's brows furrow as he walks him to the car.

He barely flinches when the door is slammed closed behind him, Ethan moving quickly to join him on the other side. "Ready to go home?" His only response- a nod- feels like a present and a recrimination all at the same time. Ethan says very little as he drives through the streets back to the airstrip, relieved that the plane had waited for them. Though he had paid for it to do just this, he was unaware of how much time it would take between the jail and the hospital, so he actually prepares to tip the staff who'd waited. His hand is warm and steadying on Spud's back as he follows him up the steps to the plane, Spud barely blinking at the impressive interior of the plane. "There's a bed if you want to sleep-"

Spud shakes his head vehemently and Ethan falls silent, watching as he sits. Stares out of the window. Continues wringing his hands. When the plane prepares for take off, he sucks in a deep breath and releases it tensely, relaxing finally once the worst of the jostling eases. Ethan takes his seatbelt off and moves across to sit next to Spud, relieved that the flight back won't be too lengthy. Spud glances over at him for a moment before leaning over and resting his head on Ethan's shoulder, slowly relaxing into his best friend's warmth. Ethan closes his eyes and smoothes his fingers across Spud's forehead, biting his lip as the plane flies on.

Returning to Tennessee is uncomfortable, mostly because Dixie's words are still fresh in Ethan's mind. Thankfully it's late enough that she's in bed when they return to the house so Ethan gives the staff the rest of the night off, orders a pizza and goes to join Spud in the living room. When he turns on the light, Spud whimpers and looks away, burying his face in the couch cushions, so Ethan frowns and turns it back off, not understanding why exactly the British man relaxes as soon as it's dim once more. Filing this away to figure out later, he sits with Spud and watches as the TV drones on about some insensible thing.

When the gate buzzes in with the pizza delivery, Ethan handles it. Even tips sufficiently for once, muttering a quick thank you, before returning to the living room. He'd gotten Italian sausage, with extra cheese, and garlic bread. Things Spud enjoys when he's having a cheat day. Ethan thinks he deserves a cheat week after everything, but this is a start. Settling the box down on the coffee table, he checks to make sure Spud is watching as he unearths the pizza and the bread sticks, sniffing at the yummy smells. "I even got Ranch sauce like you like," he says softly, going to get paper plates.

By the time he returns, Spud hasn't moved even an inch, and he bites back a frown, handing over one of the plates which Spud hugs to his chest and stares ahead as Ethan puts some pizza on his plate, and a couple of slices of the bread, before sitting down. He takes a bite, staring at Spud out of the corner of his eye, before putting the slice back down on his plate. "Are you going to have some?" Spud glances over at him before Ethan gently takes the plate from him and puts a slice on it before handing it back to him. He still makes no move to eat, though, and Ethan's brows furrow deeper. "Spud..." Leaning forward, he places a slice of garlic bread next to the pizza and pours some ranch next to it. "You've gotta eat, man. At least try for me?"

Spud continues to look miserable so Ethan decides to try something else. Puts his plate down next to the pizza box and turns to face Spud. "Do you trust me, Spud?"

"Of course, sir," he breathes out, the first words spoken since leaving the hospital- the first time he'd called him sir since leaving the police station. Ethan smiles sadly at him and reaches out, picking up the pizza and dipping it in the ranch. Spud winces as Ethan holds the slice out, inching it closer to his mouth. Finally, he bites into it and closes his eyes, taking another bite and another, clearly starving... He's well into a second slice and Ethan's smiling slightly when their eyes lock and he realizes- Spud's eyes are wet, his face is ruddy, and he chokes down another bite of pizza before sobbing brokenly. Before, he had probably been too tired and emotionally numb to actually feel much, but now... now that he's slept, and ate, it had literally opened the floodgates.

Ethan stares at him in shock for a moment before picking the plate up and putting it on the table, wrapping his arms around Spud and hugging him tightly, his sobs rocking through Ethan's chest. He doesn't say anything- there's nothing _to_ say that could fix this, so he doesn't bother, simply rocking him back and forth as he cries. "Let it out. It's gonna be ok. You're safe now," he finally whispers. Spud clings to him and cries harder for what feels like forever until finally he falls quiet against Ethan's shoulder, staring ahead dazedly.

Once he's calmed down enough that Ethan feels confident enough to move, he grabs his own plate and eats as quickly as he can, knowing he has to keep his own strength up for Spud. The pizza is cold by now, but it doesn't matter- Ethan can't taste much of anything right now anyway. As soon as he finishes, he glances down at Spud before picking the pizza box up and taking it into the kitchen. After stuffing it, the garlic bread and the ranch dressing back into the fridge, he returns to the living room and kneels in front of Spud. "Is it ok if I pick you up?"

Spud sucks in a breath, his eyes flickering left to right, before he nods slowly, holding his arms out. After eating and crying, his energy had failed him, Ethan could tell, so it's a relief to give up all pretenses and just lift him up and hold him close in his arms as he carries him to the west wing where their rooms are at. "Sir? How is Madam Dixie?" he asks as they pass the hallway that branches off to her portion of the house.

Ethan grips him tighter, remembering the look on Dixie's face, the conviction in her voice as she spoke about Spud the night before. "She's fine. Getting stronger every day, don't worry." He holds his breath, relieved when Spud doesn't ask anything else, and pushes his door open. He lays Spud down on the bed before turning the lamp on, forgetting once more until Spud cries out and hides his face again. "Hey, hey, hey," he says, quickly shutting the light off and deciding now is as good a time as any to figure out what _this_ is about. "Spud... what's wrong with the lights?" he asks softly, settling down next to Spud and waiting patiently for the upset man to find the words.

Finally he uncurls himself from his pillows and sheets and looks up at Ethan blearily. "The lights, sir," he says weakly. "They were so bright... all I could see... when..." He sobs. "When..."

Ethan feels ill then, his pizza and garlic bread working against him as his stomach drops. He fights it off, though, holding his arms out to Spud once more. As soon as he's pressed against Ethan's chest, Ethan lets his emotions creep into his expression- pain and anger, horror and fear. He can invision Spud, all alone and trapped in a personal hell, with no one to help and nothing to do but be blinded by the terrible fluorescent lights of the jail cells. "I'm so sorry," he breathes out, stroking Spud's neck.

Days pass slowly. Dixie is still in a rehab-eat-sleep cycle, Spud only leaves his room sometimes, mostly to collect the laptop or whatever work Ethan brings home for him, neither quite willing to let him out into the world just yet. Lights are still a problem, after all. As it stands, Ethan is almost relieved for it, because it means Dixie and Spud don't interact. Although Spud's worry for his aunt grows the more normalcy is brought back to his routine, his inate nature to worry about everyone else over himself shining through more and more. He's still not sleeping or eating well, but Ethan does what he can to help with both things. Stays in the room until Spud's asleep, urges the staff to make Spud's favorite dishes, sits with him while he struggles to eat.

The next TNA event is coming up, which means they need to return to New York, and Ethan stews over it. What this might trigger in Spud- being in that city again, seeing the arena where they'd been arrested, everything... He closes his eyes and presses his knuckles into his eyes, shaking his head. But until Spud can tolerate average lights again, there's little reason to even consider allowing him to come. The overhead lights in the arena alone would have him curled up in a little ball, reliving those days in the jail cell...

These thoughts in mind, Ethan kneels next to the bed and stares up at Spud as he watches TV in the dark. "Hey, man. I gotta fly out to New York soon for the next event." His hand is warm on Spud's ankle, reminding himself just how thin Spud is. He releases a soft breath and smiles up at him. "I think it's best if you stay here... safe and away from noise and lights and whatever else might-"

"No, no! Sir, please, I need to come with you," he says, sitting up. "I can't... I can't let you get hurt..." There's a desperation in his eyes that eats at Ethan's soul. "I- I know, I'm a wreck but I'll be better, I promise. I have a few days. Please-"

Ethan quiets him with a hand on his shoulder, gently kneading his flesh. "Alright, look. Everything else we can handle, but the lights thing is going to be a problem. Do you trust me?" It had become a mantra between them, whenever Ethan needed Spud to do something rough, he found himself asking that, and Spud would always agree. This time, when he again agrees, Ethan takes his hand and guides him out of the bedroom, down the hall and clear outside. They need peace and quiet for this, without people watching or whispering. So he takes Spud to a garage on the far side of the house, unlocking the door and directing him inside. "Stand there for a minute, take it in, Spud." He releases a breath. "Then we're gonna talk for a minute and I'm going to turn the light on."

Spud whimpers weakly but does as he says, listening to the night noises. "Alright, sir," he whispers. He listens as Ethan sits down and guides Spud down next to him. They sit for a few moments before Spud whispers, "Sir?"

"Yes, Spud?"

"Talk about what?"

"The light. When it bothers you most. How it makes you feel."

"It hurts," Spud explains after a lengthy pause. "It hurts my eyes and I tense up, and it... I feel like I can't breathe normally... like I'm going to pass out or throw up..." Ethan nods grimly, listening to all of this. "I don't know what to do."

Ethan nods quietly. "Well, I talked with some people... and did some research so I may know of a way to help you..." Spud looks at him curiously through the darkness and he smiles sadly, pulling an eyemask out of his pocket. "Put this on. As soon as you're ready, I'm going to turn the light on." Spud stutters but does as he commands, covering his eyes with it. "It won't block the light entirely but I want to see if limited exposure to light will help." Once Spud is ready, he reaches over and flicks the switch, flooding the room with light. Spud whimpers and bites his lip, but all in all doesn't freak out. "I was told about a relaxation technique to help with triggers like these." He finds Spud's hand and squeezes it. "Tense your body up, then relax while saying, 'Relax'. Then keep repeating it until the light doesn't bother you anymore." His saying it aloud sounds ridiculous but Spud doesn't say or do anything, waits until Ethan whispers, "Now."

Together they cycle through it, Ethan's eyes locked on Spud's face as he repeats the actions, the words. Strangely enough, he does feel calmer as more time passes, Spud's fingers relaxing in his grip. After about five minutes, Ethan reaches over and grips the edge of the face mask. "I'm going to remove this now." Spud grits his teeth but allows it, his eyes watering as soon as the light hits them. "Relax," Ethan reminds him and they begin again, repeating the simple cycle again and again until Spud's breathing sounds less panicked. He doesn't dare force Spud to endure this for long, though, so after another five minutes he reaches over and turns the light off, plunging them both into the darkness.

Spud immediately sighs and buries his face into Ethan's shoulder. "Thank you, sir."

"For what?" he whispers, stroking Spud's hair.

"For not giving up on me. I know this fear of the lights thing is bloody ridiculous, I just..." His nails bite into Ethan's shirt. "I can't help it," he chokes out.

"It's not ridiculous," Ethan breathes out. "It's ... it's just... it's understandable. And you have nothing to thank me for, this is the least I can do." He's still struggling through guilt towards both Spud and his aunt, how both situations are his fault. "Want to go inside?" Spud nods and Ethan stands, reaching out for his hand. Spud meets him halfway and they walk side by side back to the house.

That night, when Ethan turns the lamp on in Spud's bedroom, he cringes away from it but his reaction is far from as severe, quickly chanting _relax, relax, relax,_ until his body follows his commands. Ethan smiles at him, some of his guilt eased as Spud slips under the sheets to fall asleep, worn out physically and emotionally from everything that's gone on today.

The next few days go much the same way, Ethan getting work and bringing it back for Spud to labor over it all afternoon, then the two of them spending lengthening amounts of time in the garage, working to overcome Spud's trigger as best as they can before the event. To Ethan's relief, on the day that they're flying out, Spud seems a bit more secure. He's still reluctant to be out of Ethan's sight for longer than a few minutes, but all in all, Ethan thinks they'll be ok.

That is until they make it to New York and Spud stares at the people and the bustle and immediately goes pale, his nails biting into Ethan's shirt. Immediately going into action, Ethan holds him close. "Breathe, Spud, just breathe. You're gonna be ok," he says, returning back to the first few days after getting him out of jail and guiding him to the car. The arena is a little quieter, Spud relaxing under the familiar atmosphere, but he still seems too vulnerable to Ethan so he walks briskly to his locker room and sits Spud down on the bench, searching his face. "Was this a mistake? Do you want to go back to the hotel a little early?"

"No, no, sir," he exclaims. "I promise. I'll be ok. It just... there were so many people at the airport. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry." He reaches out and strokes Ethan's worried face, his eyes soft and a little weary as Ethan reaches up and cups his hand.

"Alright," Ethan sighs. After such a careful, gentle moment with Spud, it's hard to get his game face on but the past week had given him time. Time to think, time to maybe come up with a way to keep Dixie from blaming Spud. By diverting the blame onto someone else. So he blames Rhino, purposely keeping his eyes off of Spud as he does. Spud and Rhino had gotten along pretty well, Rhino actually making Spud relax and laugh a little bit before they had to come out here and face the audience, discuss their time in jail... everything that is happening due to Dixie's injury. He's not that surprised when Rhino argues with him, quitting and insulting Ethan all at the same time. Ethan ignores Spud as he attacks Rhino, pounding him in the corner.

Spud seems frightened by his temper but follows him, trying to calm him down with pleading looks and soothing comments as they walk through the halls to the car. Ethan settles in the backseat and closes his eyes, the cool night air and Spud's hesitant hand on his arm helping him to relax. By the time they arrive at the hotel, he's more himself. Spud, however, has quickly deteoriated, his wide eyes darting left to right as they walk side by side through the parking lot. "Sir," he breathes out, clinging to Ethan's arm. "Sir!"

"Yes, Spud?" he asks, trying to be patient as Spud stares up at him, fear in his eyes slowly turning to tears. He stops short and stares down at him, perplexed, before it dawns on him. Rhino had been a source of protection, something Spud depended on for safety... and now he'd taken that away from him in his most desperate time of need. _Not that,_ he thinks while gritting his teeth, _Rhino's protection had done much to help Spud when he was arrested..._ "Hey, it's ok," he mutters. "You're ok." But it's only when he hugs Spud close to him, trying to warm him, keep him from shivering, that he realizes what the problem really is.

"How can I keep you safe now, sir, without him?" he asks shakily, his nails digging into Ethan's shirt as he clings to the taller man. Ethan swallows hard and presses his face to the top of Spud's hair, his own eyes suspiciously wet. "I would never forgive myself if you get hurt too..."

"I won't," he promises softly. "And it's not... you don't need to worry about it." He catches himself in time before saying that it's not Spud's duty anymore to make sure Ethan's safe. To do so would strip away even more of Spud's worthiness, at least in his own mind, and this is a time when Spud needs bolstered, encouraged, not knocked down further at every turn. He hugs him tightly, wishing that there were better ways, easier ways, that Dixie wasn't so intent on seeing thier partnership end... _But,_ he hopes, perhaps this will do it. _Perhaps her focus will fall on Rhino and she'll leave Spud alone._

His hopes are dashed when he wakes up to a voicemail from Dixie demanding to know why Ethan hadn't also gotten rid of Spud as easily as he had Rhino.

Returning to Nashville after that feels like a punishment, Ethan's hands tense at his side as Spud carries his own bags up to the mansion. Thankfully, the house is quiet. Dixie, Jeeves tells them off of a whisper, is at her rehab appointment, so they have a few hours to relax until she returns. Ethan thanks him before guiding Spud back towards the west wing where they unload their things. He hesitates for a moment, considering just locking them inside his room away from her, but it's been long enough. Spud needs normalcy as much as he needs to be protected, so he rests a hand between the other man's shoulderblades and leads him outside.

They sit by the pool and tan, relaxing until her car pulls up. Ethan tenses up but Spud looks almost happy as she walks through the house, talking briskly to Jeeves and the other staff. Ethan closes his eyes when he hears his name, aware of what's coming next. Sure enough, her steps approach and when she opens the glass doors, he stares at her coolly while Spud jumps to his feet, arms crossed behind his back. "Good afternoon, madam," he says, clearly happy to see the woman. "How was your appointment today?"

She's staring at him with disgust and contempt and it's as if Spud can't even see it, his loyalty and adoration for the woman almost making Ethan sick as he stands up to try to defend his best friend, alleviate the hurt she will surely cause him within moments. But she chooses to ignore him, instead turning her attention to Ethan. "Were you ignoring my voicemail earlier? Why haven't you handled that little matter we discussed yet?"

He closes his eyes and sighs. "My mind's on Rhino right now, Aunt D. And no, I wasn't ignoring your voicemail. We were on the flight back to Nashville and I couldn't get good reception."

She scoffs. "Maybe you should change cell phone providers too then, Ethan." Her eyes rake over Spud's expectant face, underlining what exactly she means by _that_ comment, before she turns and walks gingerly back inside, her back obviously still a problem.

As soon as she's gone without a word spoken to him, Spud's face falls and Ethan shakes his head, unsure how long he can draw this out while remaining here. Resting his hand back on Spud's shoulder, he tries to guide him back towards the pool but Spud lightly shakes his head and moves away. "I'm sorry, sir, but I... I've let my work go long enough, I should get caught back up. Perhaps seeing that I'm still dilligent, despite everything that's been going on, will cheer your aunt up."

Ethan can do nothing but watch, pain in his dark eyes, as Spud smiles halfheartedly, turns and leaves. "Dammit," he sighs.

The next morning, he wakes up to find Spud half out of the door, dressed in one of his suits with his hair touched up and a determined look on his face. "Where do you think you're going?" he asks, cranky because he's been woke up so early, on a Friday morning no less!

Spud gasps and drops the folder he takes in to work every day, paperwork scattering from it as it hits the floor. "Sir!" he gasps, scrambling around to collect what he can. Ethan grimaces and leans down to help him, the two of them quickly having the papers back where they belong. As Ethan reaches over to put his half back on the pile, their hands brush and he looks up to find Spud staring at him. It's a slow, tense moment, and Ethan licks his lips as Spud falters. "I... I'm going in to the office, sir. I've waited too long to do so... Working at home is great, I thank you for your leniency, but... I need to rally the troops, make sure that everyone stays optimistic and continues to work hard in Madam Dixie's absence. I can't do that from my bedroom, unfortunately."

Ethan wants to fight this, argue so vehemently. No one but he and the medical staff are aware of what's happened to Spud, there are triggers and dangers all over and he wonders how Spud will handle an afternoon at the office, surrounded by lights and loud voices, people bustling and impatient to get their workday done to start their weekend. But Spud needs this, he needs normalcy, he needs to feel worthwhile. So Ethan swallows hard and lets Spud go, watching from the door as he gets in his car and drives away with a nervous, hopeful little wave. Shutting the door behind him, Ethan leans against it and closes his eyes. "...Shit," he sighs, trudging through the house with no idea what to do now.

The day passes painfully slowly, Ethan's lunch tasting bland. His nap passes by with no rest found, his eyes locked on the ceiling overhead. He considers texting Spud a million times, just to falter halfway through, not wanting to disrupt his afternoon. Finally he finds himself back by the pool, idly shifting his feet through the cool water. He's still sitting there when he hears a car pull up, his eyes flickering towards the front of the house. Listens intently as the front door is unlocked and familiar footsteps wander the house, folders and whatever else placed on the table in the living room before the sliding glass doors are pushed open and Spud joins him with a tired, but content, look on his face.

Ethan examines him out of the corner of his eye for a few moments. "Did it go ok?" he asks quietly.

"Yessir, it was a good day back," he says softly. They sit side by side for a few minutes before Spud stands and dusts his hands off on his pants. "I need to change, a swim sounds good about now."

Ethan watches him leave, his shoulders seeming more relaxed, his stride a bit more confident. He smiles.

Saturday is much the same, though they spend Sunday at home, avoiding Dixie's hurtful comments towards Spud. Monday and Tuesday Spud spends at the office once more, the two of them flying out together on Wednesday for another TNA event. This time it goes much better, Spud doesn't panic in the airport, barely flinches at the sea of people going this way and that.

He does, however, go pale when they arrive at the arena just to hear that Ethan's been put in a match against Rhino. His nails bite into Ethan's sleeve as his best friend digests this news, jaw working it over before he sees just how anxious Spud is. "Hey, no, I'm going to be alright, Spud, relax," he says once the tech who told this leaves. "Breathe, huh?"

Spud grimaces and curls his fingers around Ethan's wrist, staring up at him. "If something happens to you, sir..." His eyes are slowly filling with tears and dammit, Ethan didn't want this to happen. He wraps his arms around Spud and holds him close, waiting until Spud relaxes against him. "What if I fail at protecting you like I did Madam Dixie? What if..."

"Don't worry about it, it'll work out," Ethan promises, but something about the tears in Spud's eyes had snapped something in Ethan. The first few minutes of the match is normal enough, though Rhino is proving to be more resillent than Ethan had expected, Spud doing what he can to help when Ethan needs a minute to breathe, rethink his strategy. But his anger quickly gets the best of him once Rhino pushes Spud off of the apron and he gets his hands on a steel chair, brutalizing Rhino again and again with it, hard hit after hard hit that leaves the man sprawled out on the mat, defenseless. It's just a blur, Ethan doesn't think much of it until he blinks and he's standing over Spud, chair held over the British man, preparing to strike and dammit Spud's got that look on his face again, fear bleeding into tears and... for a wild moment, Ethan hates himself before dropping the chair and rolling out of the ring, leaving it all behind.

Spud's pleads and begs follow him up the ramp but by the time they're backstage, he's fallen silent and Ethan paces around for a few minutes before finding his locker room and holding the door open for Spud, who slips inside with a soft whimper, as if afraid of what might happen next. Ethan watches him for a few moments before going to shower and change. He angrily scrubs shampoo into his hair, soap onto his body, mind racing too quickly to consider how to fix this, if he even can. After halfheartedly drying off, he pulls some clothes on and leaves his shirt half unbuttoned, desperate to go look in on Spud, make sure he hasn't completely melted down in Ethan's absence.

Spud jumps up from the bench as soon as Ethan opens the bathroom door, their eyes locking. Spud swallows hard and approaches him, his shaking hands slowly finishing buttoning Ethan's shirt up and as soon as he finishes with the last, Ethan's hands cup his and squeeze softly. "Spud, look at me," he whispers. Their eyes lock and he smiles in self-disgust at the pain and fear on the other man's face. "I'm sorry. I lost it in the ring... I don't know why I was threatening you with the chair... I just... saw Rhino push you and for a minute... everything faded away. I just wanted to destroy everyone who laid a hand on you. I couldn't see, I couldn't hear... then I blinked and it was you and... I've never hated myself more than that moment."

Spud's lips tremble before he presses his face against Ethan's chest, hugging him tightly. "I knew you'd never hurt me, sir," he whispers against the warm fabric. "I'm sorry I wasn't more help in that match."

"You were plenty of help," Ethan sighs, squeezing Spud back. "I'm sorry I scared you." He _seems_ ok on the way back to the hotel, Ethan keeping a close eye on him as they walk up to their room from the elevator. As soon as they're inside, he lightly pushes Spud towards the bathroom. "Take a shower, relax some, Spud. I showered back at the arena so it can be as long as you want it to be." Spud looks surprised but nods, ducking into the room. Ethan watches from the bed as he pulls the door shut behind him before dropping onto the bed and finding the remote, flipping through channel after channel.

There's nothing on that interests Ethan, just lame local news and stupid reality TV, syndication TV not much better, so he finally just leaves it on the weather report, his eyes starting to flutter shut the longer the droning man on the TV speaks. He's not sure how much time has passed when a loud commercial jostles him awake, blinking sluggishly. It's not until his faculties return to him that he realizes the shower is still running, and... when he blinks and stares at the clock, he's surprised to find that almost half an hour's passed while he dozed. "Shit," he mumbles, rolling out of bed and stumbling towards the bathroom. "Hey, Spud," he calls, knocking. "Are you going to spend the rest of the night in there? The water's gotta be cold by now."

There's no answer, no kind of response, and he frowns. Knocks louder. "Spud?! Hey, can you hear me?" Still nothing. A chill of horror creeps up Ethan's spine and he tries the knob, relieved to find that the room's unlocked. Busting in, he doesn't care about Spud's dignity or possible need for privacy. "Spud, answer me, or I swear-" There's still nothing, just the relentless pounding of water on the tiles and he swallows, fearing the worst. _Why did you fall asleep?!_ he thinks angrily before gripping the edge of the shower curtain and pushing it aside. "Spud-"

His voice dies away. Spud is sitting, shivering, on the floor, his knees hugged to his chest, his face buried in them. Ethan swallows hard and struggles with what to do, what action to take. Finally he leans in and shuts the water off before stepping into the tub and kneeling down next to Spud. It's only then that he hears it in the deafening silence following the water easing off. Rapid breathing mixed in with sobs and whimpers, Spud somewhere between hyperventilating and choking on his own tears. Ethan's heart breaks and he gingerly reaches out, wrapping his arms around the freezing man. "Shit, shit, shit," he repeats, like a mantra, pulling Spud into him and relieved when he's not fought off. "It's ok, you're safe." He strokes Spud's soaked hair, closing his eyes and rocking him back and forth. His clothes are getting drenched, but he doesn't care. All that matters is the broken man in his arms right now.

Deadlifting him up off of the floor in the wet tub is hazardous to both of their health, but Ethan plants his feet and holds on until they're back on mostly stable ground. As soon as he's in reach of them, he collects a few hotel towels and wraps them around Spud's violently shivering body, picking him up and carrying him to the bed. He's still sopping wet but again, Ethan doesn't care. He wraps him in sheets and blankets, using them and the towels to quickly dry Spud off. He looks painfully, ridiculously young as Ethan brushes the fabric through his hair, making it stand up all over the place, but worse than that, he just looks lost in a sea of his horror and memories.

Ethan closes his eyes and presses a hand to Spud's jaw, making him look up. "Can you sleep?" he asks softly, glancing down at the wet towels and bedding. Spud doesn't say anything but leans his head against Ethan's shoulder so the third generation Carter takes that as his answer, once more lifting Spud up and carrying him over to the other bed. He settles him down on the much dryer mattress and digs around Spud's bag, finding him some clothes. "Here, put these on," he urges him. Nothing fancy, just one of Ethan's larger shirts and some shorts, Spud staring at them for a moment before obliging his best friend. Spud is still shivering so Ethan wraps him up as securely as he can in the sheets and blankets before wandering over to fumble with the a/c, turning it off and turning on the heat. It's barely cool yet for September, but Ethan's desperate to help Spud warm up, so...

As soon as he finishes with that, he looks down to find that his own shirt is wet to the point of being see-through, and his pants hadn't fared much better. Sighing, he turns back towards his bag and collects some clothes before unbuttoning his shirt to change once more. He's barely through two buttons when he feels like he's being watched, looking up to find Spud staring at him warily, fear visible in his deep blue eyes. The moment becomes awkward, a weird sort of charged energy in the air, until Spud breaks it with a soft whisper. "You're not going to hurt me, are you, sir?"

It's a reflection, somehow, of the conversation they'd had earlier, but that had been Ethan fresh off of almost losing it with a chair, and here he is undressing in front of Spud, something he'd been careful to not do the past few weeks just in case it'd make Spud uncomfortable, or trigger something, while he was reacclimating to normalcy. He freezes and shakes his head. "Of course not, Spud. My clothes are just wet. See, I'm all the way over here, I'm not going to do anything to you." He waits until Spud nods vacantly, then continues to take his clothes off. Spud resumes watching him quietly, it a relief to both of them once Ethan has his wet clothes in the bathroom and has a shirt and boxers of his own on. He approaches the bed with a hesitant smile and murmurs, "May I lay down here? The other bed's wet..." _And besides, there's no way I'm leaving you alone, not after earlier..._

Spud nods slowly and Ethan settles in next to him, feeling Spud's slight shivers all the way across the bed. Not as bad as they were, but still. He breathes a little easier when Spud shifts over and rest his head on Ethan's shoulder, curling up close to him. Spud's hair is dried, and soft now, feeling like silk against Ethan's cheek. Ethan watches him until he's fast asleep, hoping that Spud will have a good night's rest after everything. Alas, it's not to be as he wakes up in the middle of the night to whimpers and mutters. Sitting up, he peers around the room frantically just to realize that no, they're alone in the room, the noise is coming from Spud. He rolls over and watches, hesitantly holding a hand out towards the other man, about to shake him awake when he registers what Spud is saying- "No, no- _no, please, stop-_ "

Ethan freezes and stares down at him in horror as he realizes what Spud's reliving. Shifting closer, he listens to his best friend's pleads for a few moments before touching his back gently. "Spud," he whispers. "Spud, wake up." He doesn't shake him, he doesn't yell at him. He just sits there, lightly rubbing the British man's back until the pained mumbling stops, Spud gasping in horror as he scrambles. Tries to fight free of the memories. Ethan bites his lip and waits patiently as he collects himself, hitching breaths shaking his shoulders as he digs his fingers into the sheets pooling around his waist.

Finally Spud comes back to himself and looks up, over. Catches Ethan's eye and whimpers, his cheeks glistening with fresh tears. "Sir," he breathes out, crumbling into Ethan's arms as he holds them out.

Ethan swallows hard and hugs him, shaking his head. "I'm so sorry." he whispers, kissing the top of Spud's head as he struggles to catch his breath. "I'm so damn sorry I scared you like that." Spud had been doing ok, or at least Ethan thought, but now he starts to have his doubts. Revisits the possibility of getting Spud help of some sort- either inpatient, or out... just anything... "Spud, do you have nightmares like these often?" The response is a weak half nod half shake of the head that leaves Ethan hurting even worse, his eyes closing as he rocks the short man back and forth.

He falls asleep eventually, Ethan listening to his shaky breaths slowly ease into steady, regular exhales that only hitch every now and again. "We'll get you help. I promise," he whispers into his hair before laying him down on the pillows. Spud looks more at ease now but Ethan's heart is breaking all over again, so he lays down next to him and curls an arm around him, drawing him back into Ethan's side and holding him close, hoping that this won't scare him further when he wakes up.

The next seven days are ridiculous. Ethan spends most of what used to be his napping hours vetting out a therapist for Spud that they both trust, Spud trying to help when he can but also refusing to miss out on office hours, still trying to impress Dixie and make up for what he feels is his fault, what Bully had done to her. Not that it helps, the few times Dixie and Spud are in the same room, she barely notices him, only speaking long enough to lecture Ethan for not doing what needs to be done sooner. His only relief is that the meaning of her words goes over Spud's head, or at least seems to. Firing Spud is out of the question when he's still so vulnerable, but things also can't go back to the way they were before. So when Dixie is around, or when they're at TNA events, he finds himself needing to treat Spud worse and worse to keep Dixie off of their case as much as possible.

Thus, that Wednesday, when they're faced with Rhino once more, Ethan responds to Rhino's challenge by putting him in a match against Spud instead. Watching the color drain from his best friend's face makes him feel awful, but he can't take his words back. It gives him another week of excuses towards why he won't just listen to Dixie and fire Spud: _he has his purposes, Aunt D. A shield against Rhino, who's so guilty he'd do anything I'd say. What more could you ask for?_ He doubts that it'll last, that she won't buy his claims for much longer, but any extra time where he can be there to support Spud, get him into therapy and help him through this is one step closer to emotional resolution for them both.

It's not easy but he does what he feels is necessary later that night. Stands at ringside and watches as Rhino beats Spud down within minutes, a displeased glower on his face. Once the pin is concluded, he makes his way backstage and waits at the curtain, jaw tense as he watches Rhino lean over Spud and slap him on the shoulder, the British man looking up at him blearily. Spud and Rhino had always gotten along and it's clear Rhino hadn't wanted to do any of that to Spud- not that Ethan had wanted to watch it, but no one knows that but him. He watches, tense, as Rhino leans down and pulls Spud up to his feet, helping him backstage one slow, painful step at a time.

Ethan stares at them as Rhino guides Spud over to his side. "Nice act," the former enforcer tells him with a sneer, easing Spud over into Ethan's grip. "Your aunt and these fans may buy into it. I don't." Reaching over, he gruffly ruffles Spud's hair before turning and leaving.

Spud's head is resting against Ethan's chest as he gapes after Rhino, his hand reaching up to grip Ethan's. "I'm sorry I failed again, sir," he says dazedly. "I didn't... I didn't mean to... I tried my best, I really did..."

"I know you did," Ethan sighs, shushing him with a soft hand on the side of his head. "Don't worry about it. Come on." He guides him to the locker room, pushing some clothes into his hands and waiting patiently as Spud changes. Not into one of his loud suits, but a sweat shirt and some gym shorts just for his own comfort, since he's walking very gingerly and seems extremely sore after that gore. Once he's ready to go, Ethan rests his hand on his back and leads him to the car so they can return to the hotel for another long, uncertain night of sleep. Spud's nightmares come and go, and Ethan feels horrible for the few weeks he'd thought that everything was ok, but tonight is a quiet night and they sleep through until morning, when their alarm goes off so they can catch the flight back to Tennessee.

Another week of torturously slow progress: avoiding Dixie, finally getting Spud into therapy and holding him when he cries out from nightmares night after night, seeming to be even worse after the therapy session that almost makes Ethan wonder if it's all worth it. By Wednesday, they've all been ran a bit ragged and although it hurts Ethan to do so, he convinces Spud to stay at home and rest. His ribs are still giving him problems, Spud finding it hard to breathe sometimes when he moves wrong, so it's an easy choice, even if Spud seems to hate it. He's relieved that he'd decided this when he arrives at the arena to find that he's been put in a street fight against Rhino, not having to worry about Spud at ringside, taking who knows what kind of damage or putting himself in harm's way for Ethan's benefit.

Thus Ethan's pain is his own this night, but he's also vindicated because he walks out the winner, of course, officially leaving his tension with Rhino behind him. Now he can focus on Spud, on Dixie, on figuring out some way to make this right for the two closest people in his world without harming both of them beyond repair. He hopes.

Dixie grants Ethan the following week off, so Spud stays at home as well and, after Spud finishes with his afternoon of office work, Ethan meets him outside and waves the keys to the convertible in his face. "Let's get out of here," he says, not wanting to sit around the house and listen to Dixie's not-so-subtle suggestions about how he can fire Spud any longer. She's southern to the core, polite in a cruelly sarcastic way, and he's pretty sure that's the only reason she hasn't said anything directly to Spud's face.

"Where are we going, sir?" Spud asks as they peel out, Ethan tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. The top is down, the wind is blowing through their hair, and Ethan feels more at peace than he has in a long time.

"That new restaurant you wanted to try out, that family restaurant place," he says simply, glancing over at the look of surprise crossing Spud's face. "Sound good?"

Spud swallows, then nods. "Yessir. Thank you."

Ethan clearly wants to say something but ultimately keeps it to himself, driving on quietly until they reach the place that Spud had pointed out a couple of times since its opening. It had been an easy choice, because it has a lot of comfort food type options on the menu, which Ethan figures Spud needs, and he himself feels like some carbs right now too. Cheat days had become more common since Spud got out of jail, but Ethan can't refuse him. Not after what happened to him, and what may be ahead. While Spud struggles to decide between pot roast and a steak, Ethan selects grilled chicken and a small container of macaroni and cheese- his cheat item.

Ethan's tempted to speak up and order for Spud, but he refrains, catching the waitress' eye sometimes and offering a weak smile when he continues to weigh his decision. "I could give you a moment if you still need to choose...?" she offers, but Spud flushes and shakes his head.

"No, no, that's fine," he says, closing his menu and swallowing. "Uh, I'd like the pot roast with baked potato and broccoli please." She smiles and nods, taking his menu and Ethan's and leaving. Spud clears his throat and looks up, his cheeks still a faded red. "I'm sorry, sir. I couldn't make up my mind. Both sounded so good..."

"It's fine," Ethan says, waving a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it. You didn't take that much time." Spud looks up at him and he smiles comfortingly before sipping from his tea. "What do you want to do after we finish eating?"

Spud looks surprised. "I figured we would just go home, sir." He hesitates, running his fingers over the satin napkin holding the silverware together. "What would you like to do?"

Ethan ponders it as the waitress brings them salads and promises them their main course in a few minutes. "Do you want to see a movie?" But the only decent movies out currently are full of violence and other adult matters that, considering, may make Spud uncomfortable. Ethan grimaces and shakes his head. "Never mind. I'll think of something. Let's eat."

"Yessir," Spud says, looking up as the waitress brings the rest of their food over. "Thank you," he says, Ethan echoing after him before she leaves. They eat in relatively comfortable silence, both so used to being in each other's presence by now that they don't need to force conversation.

Ethan sighs after his first bite of the macaroni and cheese, closing his eyes. When he opens his eyes, he finds Spud smiling at him and smirks. "Good shit, this mac and cheese." Scraping his fork around in the bowl, he eyes Spud's mostly healthy meal and leans forward. "Here have a bite."

"Oh, sir, no-" Spud tries to protest, just to get cut off when Ethan's fork finds its way into his mouth, his eyes widening. "Sir!" he gasps once he's swallowed down the bite, an uncomfortable, pained look crossing his face. He grips Ethan's hand, gently tugging the fork out of his fingers while careful to not look him in the eye. Looking around, he finds the waitress and waves her over, looking anxious until she arrives. "I'm sorry to disturb you, but may he have a clean fork?" He stammers for a moment, holding it by the prongs as he hands it over to her. "He... dropped it on the floor."

She looks between them before taking the fork by the handle. "Of course. I'll be right back with that."

Spud watches her come and go, a troubled look on his face, before Ethan reaches forward and rests a hand on his, causing him to look up. "What was that, Spud?" he asks quietly. "Why did you freak out about that?"

Spud swallows hard and stares down at their interlocked fingers. "Sir, I still have to have some tests..." He looks up at him brokenly. "I refuse to make you sick."

Ethan had forgotten, for the most part. Put it out of his mind, what had been said to him by the nurse all of those weeks ago. But of course, Spud, in his due dilligence to keep the Carters as safe and as healthy as possible, would never forget it even if he doesn't acknowledge his fears out loud. "I didn't know you were still thinking about that," he says softly.

Spud digs his fork around in the pot roast. "I'm always thinking about it, sir. Having to be careful in the ring, making sure not to contaminate anything in the house... if I made anyone ill, I'd never forgive myself."

Ethan sighs and closes his eyes before leaning forward and squeezing Spud's hand gently, rubbing his knuckles. "Listen to me, no matter what comes of that, I'll take care of it, alright? You're gonna be ok. I promise." Spud locks eyes with him, finally nodding. "Good. Now eat... It's all going to be ok." He smiles at the shorter man before turning back to his own meal, which now tastes like stale cardboard. He's glad once Spud's done so they can leave, his hand warm on the Chief of Staff's neck as they walk side by side back to the car. "Hey Spud?"

"Yessir?"

Ethan tries to think of something to do from here. "Do you have anywhere else you want to go? Or are you ok with heading back home?"

Spud swallows. "Home's fine, sir. I need to wake up early for work anyway."

Ethan makes a face. "Fine, home it is then." Thankfully Dixie seems to have retired early for the night so Ethan leads Spud over to the west wing. "Hey," he says, finally getting an idea for what they can do. "Let's watch a movie. I'll even let you pick. Something Disney?"

Spud looks shocked. "Sir... you hate Disney movies."

"Hate's kind of a strong word," Ethan fumbles for something better before shrugging it off. "Come on, what do you say? Let's just do it, huh?"

"Well, alright," Spud says, following him into the rec room between their bedrooms where there's a massive TV with surround sound, the walls soundproof so no one else in the house is disturbed. He kneels by the cabinet full of movies and thumbs through them, murmuring to himself while Ethan sets up the TV. He returns to Ethan's side with Fox and the Hound, Ethan's eyebrows lifting up as he obligingly takes the DVD from Spud and puts it in the player. They settle in on the couch before Ethan presses play and fastforwards through as many ads as he can to get to the actual movie.

It's standard Disney fare- depressing opening, lots of weird singing, zany hijinx, but it's not long before the central theme of the movie is revealed. Friendship between the fox, Tod, and the hound, Copper. Ethan finds himself drawn in by the silly animals, but more so the look on Spud's face. _He's probably seen this thing a thousand times, but he's acting like it's the first time ever,_ Ethan thinks, watching him out of the corner of his eye.

Things quickly go badly. Tod grows, as does Copper, and their different roles in the neighboring houses cause Tod to be targetted by Copper and his master, putting a strain on the friendship they'd formed until another dog gets injured and Copper begins to hunt Tod to pay him back for harming the other animal. It's still a little ridiculous but the more Ethan pays attention, the more comparisons he can draw between the movie and the worsening situation he and Spud are in. The closer to home it hits.

Halfway through the movie, Spud leans his head on Ethan's shoulder and breathes softly, his eyes the only sign that he's still awake through the rest of it. His breathing gets raspy when Copper finds Tod, shields him from his bloodthirsty master, and then lets Tod go to live his life and be happy. Ethan's mouth is suspiciously dry once it ends, his hand running through Spud's soft hair. "Damn," he mumbles, struggling to think through everything he's just seen, and how eerily similiar it is to his reality right now.

"Quite a thought provoking movie, hm, sir?" Spud whispers, his eyes fluttering shut as the TV screen goes dark.

Ethan nods before noticing Spud's dozing off. "Hey, hey, no- don't you want to sleep in your own bed? C'mon-" But Spud's out, his lips parted as he breathes in and out steadily. Ethan grimaces and settles back against the couch cushions, this causing Spud to sprawl out more comfortably against him. "Fine," he sighs. "We can stay here for awhile." He rests his head against Spud's and listens to him breathing, overwhelmed by both the movie and what happened during supper.

When exactly he falls asleep, he's not sure.

They have a few more days before traveling back out for another TNA event, but the night before Ethan frowns at an email from management in his inbox. Shaking his head, he leaves Spud to the piles of papers and other busy work he'd been swamped under more and more lately, venturing through the mansion to his aunt's room. Knocking quietly on the door, he waits until she calls for him to enter. "Hey, Aunt D," he greets her. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," she says with the ever present underlining tension that's been between them since she'd been put through the table. "Resting before my next rehab appointment. What do you want, Ethan?"

"I received an email that says I'm being given the week off," he says. "I'm not needed tomorrow night?"

"That's right," she says. An almost ugly sneer crosses her face. "Spud can handle business on his own this time around."

Ethan grows pale. Spud hadn't been alone at an event since everything happened, and the thought of him having to go through the airport, the flight, then the drive to the arena, and everything that an event typically requires... He closes his eyes, steeling himself for an attempt at arguing this. Wonders if she'd insist on putting Spud through all of this if she'd known what he went through. But it had been too raw, she had been too lost in her pain, and he couldn't find the words to explain. "Aunt D, if you keep him here, I can keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't ruin anything else-"

"No," she says, her voice holding a finality to it. "We hired him to handle the day to day minuetae, if you think this is too much for him, then he really is useless and you'd better do as I say-"

Ethan holds his hands up. "Fine, fine. Let him wreck the show. It's your call, Aunt D." He leaves the room, closing the door behind him quietly. "Dammit," he sighs before going to find Spud. He still hasn't moved from the piles of paperwork, that is until Ethan takes his hand and drags him up to a standing position. Ignoring Spud's protests, he dusts him off and smiles down at him, guilt in his eyes that he can't do anything to stop his aunt. "What do you say we go watch another movie? Huh?"

Spud stammers and looks over his shoulder at the piles of paperwork still remaining, but Ethan looks so hopeful, that he can't refuse him. "Yes, alright, sir," he says with a soft smile. He'd gotten through a fair amount of the paperwork and the rest he could finish up before breakfast tomorrow easily enough. As he selects a movie, he listens with a slight grimace as Ethan explains that Spud will be going alone tomorrow. "That's fine, sir," he says, trying to sound braver than he actually is. "I'll be alright."

Ethan's hands are heavy on his shoulders as he guides him and the selected DVD over to the couch. "Of course you will, Spud. But I'll probably call a few times to check in on you."

"Thank you, sir," he murmurs, putting the DVD in and settling in next to Ethan to watch.

The next day is miserable. Ethan is forced to stand on the patio and watch him leave, not wanting to raise Dixie's suspicions on why he'd go to the airport to see Spud off directly. Once he returns inside, he can't settle enough to eat, or tan, or nap. Even working out doesn't hold his interest that well. He paces his room and bites at his nails, a habit he'd broken as a child... until now, anyway... As soon as Dixie leaves for another rehab appointment, he leaves his room and takes to looping through the house until he's pretty sure Spud's landed. He gives it another ten minutes before dialing Spud's number.

"Hullo, sir," Spud greets him.

Ethan can tell he's in a taxi by the background noises and this makes him feeling equally better and worse. "Hey, Spudsy. How's it going? How was the flight?"

"It was fine, sir. I'm heading to the arena now, so I can't talk for long, I'm sorry." He lowers his voice. "I kept breathing like you told me to, sir, and I didn't have any panic attacks."

Ethan breathes a little easier. "I'm glad, Spud." He swallows. "So I'll probably call you again later, see how things are going..."

Spud doesn't say anything for a second. "I miss you too, sir," he says softly.

Ethan taps his phone against his forehead and chuckles weakly. "You are almost too good at knowing what I mean even when I'm not saying it..."

"Well, you _are_ my best friend, sir. I'd be a pretty shoddy one if I couldn't."

"I can't think of anything you're _shoddy_ at, Spud." Ethan sighs. "Alright, I'll talk to you later, take care of yourself."

"I will. And you do too, sir. Get something to eat. Take a nap. I'll be fine. I'm a lion and a tiger, remember?"

"And a gazelle," Ethan nods, sitting on the edge of his bed. "No way I could forget."

"Right, yes." Spud's smile is audible in his voice. "Bye, sir."

"Bye, Spud." Ethan hangs up and stares ahead blankly, hating every second of this. "Dammit."

The call, thankfully, had soothed him a little and he eats a couple of sandwiches before dozing off by the pool, waking up with barely fifteen minutes to spare before the show comes on. Spud's clearly busy backstage when the TNA camera crew starts filming him in an impromptu interview where he insists that there is no trouble between he and Ethan, that everything's fine.

It goes to commercial and Ethan calls him again, tapping his feet against the hardwood floors until Spud answers. "Hullo, sir. Did you see me on TV?"

"Yeah, Spud, I did," he says softly. "Figured now would be as good a time as any to check in... how's it going?" Two things happen at once- the show comes back from commercial to show the camera crew still focused on Spud, and Dixie walks into the room and sits next to Ethan, her piercing gaze locked on him as he freezes. Spud is about to say something when Ethan snaps. "Spud! Why aren't you doing anything that I told you to do? You're there to get information for us to use against Kurt Angle, not wander around the arena like some pathetic slouch!"

Spud bristles on the TV, a hurt look crossing his face as he squares his shoulders, not sure why Ethan's taking this tone with him, after everything the last few weeks. "Ethan, you can't talk to me like-"

"I pay you, Spud, I'll talk to you however I damn well please," Ethan says with as much cold authority as he can force into his tone. Which is hard as hell when he's seeing the pain in Spud's eyes, but dammit, Dixie is right next to him and if he has any chance of making this work, keeping Spud safe personally and professionally, then...

The fight immediately leaves Spud. "Yessir, you can talk to me however you want," he says.

Ethan hangs the phone up, he and Dixie watching with very opposing reactions as Spud tries to say something else just to find that the line's dead. Dixie smirks and hugs him, whispering her pride in his ear and he hugs her back gently, never feeling so low and disgusting in all of his life. _I'm so damn sorry, Spud..._

Waiting until the next day to say so to Spud's face is excruitiating and Ethan doesn't even bother staying at the house, he makes some lame excuse about wanting to get something to drink, and leaves mid-afternoon to drive to the airport. He arrives ten minutes before the flight lands and stands as close to the gate as he can get, watching for Spud. He had left him a message after Dixie had gone to bed, not that surprised when Spud hadn't answered his call this time. The show was over, he wasn't on business hours any longer, and Ethan had hoped he was asleep... but it's clear when Spud finally exits the plane and heads his way with his luggage that he hadn't slept at all the night before, his skin ashen and eyes rimmed with dark circles.

They walk side by side to the car, Spud barely looking up from his feet until Ethan stops in front of him and cups his face. "Hey, Spud. Hey... I'm really sorry, alright? Aunt D was in the room and things were tense and I didn't... I didn't want to take it out on you, I just... didn't know what to do. I'm so sorry." Large, wet, exhausted blue eyes finally peer up at Ethan and he struggles to breathe in the face of Spud's turmoil. He brushes his fingers along Spud's cheeks, drying away the few tears that have leaked out. "Do you forgive me?"

"She really hates me, doesn't she, sir?" Spud whimpers, swallowing hard when Ethan fails to think of a good answer in time. "I hope you never hate me, sir." He steps forward and wraps his thin arms around Ethan's waist, burying his face in his best friend's chest as Ethan hugs him back.

"I don't think that's possible, Spud," he whispers, closing his eyes. "Come on, let's go home. I haven't had my nap yet and you definitely look like you could use some sleep yourself."

Spud's nod is weak but it's there and Ethan tries to take some comfort in even this little bit of a reaction.

-x

"Ethan, how long are you going to disrespect me?" With Dixie's recovery comes her temper, and she only grows more and more determined to see Spud out of her house, off of the payroll. He had hoped it'd be the opposite, that she would grow kinder and gentler with less pain in her life, but no.

"I'm not disrespecting you, Aunt D," he sighs. "It's just... Spud's amusing to keep around, and to embarrass." It's a lie, it's the worst lie he's ever told in his life, but he wants her happy. And he wants Spud by his side, and he just... He wants this period of time to end, for her to accept Spud back into the inner circle. To not keep seeing that look of deep, horrible pain in Spud's eyes.

"Maybe but he's also useless," she insists. "Embarrass him by firing him, get it out of your system, and then focus on your career, nephew. Without him always ruining things, you probably would've been world champion by now."

Ethan has always dreamed of being world champion, of carrying TNA on his shoulders. But at the cost of his most important, his only, friendship... He pats her on the arm. "Don't worry about it, Aunt D. I'll be champion soon enough. I promise." She looks far from impressed as he goes to collect Spud so they can leave for another week's event.

They're very quiet on the ride to the airport, then the flight, and on the way to the arena. There's so much Ethan wants to say but he can't find the words, a way to explain what's slowly reaching a boiling point without hurting Spud worse. The short term damage, Ethan can fix... but the long term... not so much... So when it's their time in the ring, Ethan walks ahead of Spud before waiting impatiently for him to hold the ropes open. He then makes Spud kneel on one knee while passing the mic to him.

What he says is a flood of hate, that Spud is not his best friend, is a mere employee. Compares him to other rich people he used to hang out with, before wrestling had become his life, and they'd stopped spending time with him because he'd come to a party once covered in bruises, causing them all to turn their noses up towards him even though he was the happiest he'd ever been at the time because he was finally getting a chance to do what he really loved. Shaking these thoughts from his mind, he surges forward, careful not to look Spud in the face as he says that he sickens him with his suits and his hair, reaching forward and tearing Spud's suit from the pocket down.

"Why are you doing this, sir?" Spud asks, voice trembling, his face flushed and finally Ethan looks him in the eye, needing to cinch this. To hopefully let it be enough, to get Dixie off of their cases.

"Because I hold everyone responsible for what happened to my aunt accountable, and that includes you. You failed Aunt D and I." Spud's eyes are wet, his lips twisted miserably, and Ethan already hates himself for what he's steeling himself to do next. "Are you going to cryyyyy?" he asks, drawing the word out in the most condescending, mocking way possible. Slapping Spud repeatedly sends sharp pains down his own chest, as if each breath is a knife in his ribs. "CRY! COME ON, CRY!"

Spud is in pain, Spud is shaking, but Spud gets in his face and Ethan glares down at him, daring him to do something, when mercifully, Eric Young interrupts. Ethan barely remembers what the other man says, he's fighting so hard to breathe normally, relieved that it's finally over. Eric is trying to get Spud to stand up for himself against Ethan, and dammit, that would've made this a little easier, but Spud's still loyal to a point. Even though he won't outright punch EY during the match that follows between Ethan and Eric, he _does_ assist Ethan in getting his foot on the bottom rope during a pinfalland Ethan comes close to crying himself when he looks over his shoulder to find a conflicted, disgusted look on Spud's face.

In the last moments of the match, Ethan orders Spud onto the apron just for Eric to dropkick him into the smaller man, knocking him off of the apron. Even so, Ethan wins the match and then stands tall in the ring, demanding Spud lift his arm in victory, which he does.

Spud trudges after him and through the halls backstage until they reach Ethan's locker room. He shuts the door tightly behind the Chief of Staff and leans against it, watching Spud as he collects Ethan's things and delicately folds them, packing them back up. "Spud," he says quietly. "Look at me."

"No. I understand, I am a mere worker... I thought after all of the dinners and the movies, and... and... you taking care of me the last few weeks that you really cared, but no. It's fine. I understand." His hands are shaking, his shoulders are trembling, and finally Ethan walks up to him and draws him away from the luggage, hugging him. "Why are you doing this to me? I know I'm not, I'm not another of your rich trustfund friends, and I'm a bit of a ridiculous nerd, but you never seemed to mind about this before! I'm so bloody sorry what happened to your aunt, I honestly did all I could to keep her safe, it was just... there was no way that night, too many things were working against us and I'm so _sorry_ -"

Ethan sighs and lifts him up so that Spud's head can rest against his shoulder, holding him close while his babbling desolves into bitter tears. "Shhh, it's fine. Just... just let it out, man."

Spud's fingers are tangled in Ethan's shirt, tugging slightly as he sobs. "If I'm that bloody awful to be around, why don't you just fire me and put us both out of our miseries?"

Ethan pulls back and looks at his face, brushing his fingers through his hair. Resting his forehead against Spud's, he stares him in the eye. "That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid doing, Spud."

Spud's lips part in shock but he can't find the words to say, questions to ask, when it seems to register with them both at once. Just how close they are, their ragged, painful breaths intermingling. "Sir," he whispers, Ethan's gaze trailing down to rest against his lips. It's ridiculous, this moment, its timing... He'd always wanted something like this, especially after Ethan had elluded to Spud being his boyfriend, but... now... Ethan is inching closer, Spud can almost taste him, spicy and heady, and... "No, no- no-" He reaches up and presses a hand to Ethan's lips, shaking his head. "I can't. I'm sorry."

Ethan can do nothing but watch as Spud wiggles free and hops down, adjusting what remains of his ruined suit. Try to regain himself as Spud finishes packing and zips the bags up. "Are- are you ready to go, then?"

"Yessir," Spud says, every sign of professionalism and British decorum once more. Ethan curses this privately as they walk to the car and Spud stores their bags properly. The drive back to the hotel is quiet and, as soon as Ethan and their things are settled in the room, Spud grabs his keycard. "I need some air. I'll be back in a bit, sir."

"Right... sure..." Ethan watches as he leaves, then reaches up to touch his lips, where he thinks he still feels the warmth of Spud's skin there. _So close. So damn close..._ He tries to stay awake so he and Spud can discuss what's happened this evening, but an hour passes, then two... and he starts to worry, but he's exhausted from that match, and the emotional strain of insulting Spud so desperately.

Downstairs, Spud trails his hands around the cool window leading to the exit, watching cars drive slowly by, people leaving bars and other establishments for their beds and a deep night's sleep. He feels sick, Ethan's words echoing in his mind. He might be considered a failure for allowing Madam Dixie to be put through the table, but he feels like even more of one for nearly allowing Ethan to kiss him. He swallows hard and imagines how it would've been had he not been in prison, hadn't been... been... Tears fill his eyes and he bites down a sob, shaking his head against the glass pane. "I'm so sorry, sir," he breathes out before walking back towards the elevator. Dodging it, however, he goes up the stairwell, not eager to return to the hotel room right away.

Flight after flight after flight he walks up as his tears dry, his mind clears. _What bloody reality is this that Ethan almost kissing me is more terror-inducing than all of the insults he threw at me earlier?_ He groans and scrubs at his face before pushing the door to their floor open. Walking down the hall, he finds their door and pushes the keycard into it, relieved that the green light flashes immediately, allowing him access. He pauses upon finding the lights still on but Ethan fast asleep in bed, his head turned towards the door.

Eyes softening, he walks over to him and gently tugs his cell phone out of his hand, placing it on the bedside table. "I'm sorry, sir," he whispers, taking Ethan's hand. Kneeling down next to the bed, he presses their interlaced fingers to his chest and listens to him breathe, watching him sleep. Grazing Ethan's face with the tips of his fingers, Spud smiles sadly.

When Ethan wakes up a few hours later, Spud is curled up next to him, an arm slung over his chest. Ethan blinks sleepily a few times before rolling over and holding Spud close, kissing the top of his head. "You _are_ my best friend. Forever and ever, Spud. I promise." He pulls back slightly and looks down, surprised to find a small smile on Spud's sleeping face. Not for the first time, he wonders what it would be like to feel those lips against his, soft but insistent to have _more... more... more_... Grimacing, he closes his eyes and sighs slowly, all of the tension leaving his body as he falls asleep once more.

The next morning, Spud wakes up to the sounds of Ethan whispering to someone and listens to the swish of fabric with a small smile on his face as Ethan pays a seamstress and sees her out of the room, Spud's now flawless jacket once more waiting on the back of the nearest chair. He squints at it for a moment before Ethan joins him, hugging him close. "Thank you, sir," he whispers into Ethan's chest.

-x

Unfortunately, Ethan's plan backfires. Dixie is not sated, no, if anything seeing Ethan abuse Spud physically and emotionally had made her hungry for more. Spud is kept busy all week at the office, working until the sun has been set for hours most days. It's all grunt work, something anyone at the office could handle, and Ethan grows angrier and angrier the less he sees his best friend. It's not until Sunday night, however, when he leaves his room around 1 AM for a glass of water and finds Spud collapsed at the kitchen table, a dim light shining down on some papers from the office, that his vision turns red with hatred for his aunt and the things she's putting him through.

Forgetting his thirst, he walks forward and clicks the light off before hoisting Spud up into his arms. He's barely made a step before Spud stirs and moans, "No, no... I need to finish..."

"Not tonight," he says grimly, running his hand up and down Spud's back. "You're exhausted, you've been working yourself to the bone for days now. In fact just so I know you're not going to sneak away and try to work some more, you're staying in my room so I can keep an eye on you."

"But sir," he complains, eyes barely opened as he stares out blankly from Ethan's shoulder. "I can't..."

"Yes, you can and you will," Ethan insists. Kicking his door open, he carries Spud inside and settles him on the side of his bed, pulling Spud's shoes off, and his suit quickly follows. Spud blinks sleepily as Ethan settles in on the other side of the bed and pulls Spud into his side, cocooning him with the sheets and blankets. "Comfortable?"

Spud's lips are parted sluggishly and he nods with a soft whimper. "I've always enjoyed your bed, sir." His face heats up as his exhausted brain catches up with what he'd just said. "I- I mean-"

"It's fine, I know what you mean," Ethan says with a soft laugh, trying to ignore the other emotions he'd felt at this claim. "Don't worry."

Spud sleeps until mid-morning, then panics when he realizes he's late for work, but Ethan shakes his head and makes him slow down enough to eat a couple of bagels and have some juice before he collects the papers he'd scattered around the night before and dashes for his car. Ethan watches him go, sighing grimly as he looks ahead at yet another boring day, spent rattling around this boring old house until he finds something better to do. His only relief is that they have another TNA event in a couple of days, and then Spud will have to stay with him so they can fly to it, and then further... whatever agenda Dixie is hatching this week for poor Spud.

He's tapping his fingers against the table, pondering all of this, when he senses his aunt's presence. Looking up, he stares at her for a moment. "Aunt D? Do you want some bagels?"

She shakes her head and sighs. "You break my heart, nephew." She crosses her arms over her chest and walks up to him, examining him. "Here we are, another week in and you still haven't done the simplest thing I've asked of you. I took you in when that other company tossed you out like garbage, I gave you time to get over the humiliation, I shielded you from as much as I could, I molded you into a champion-tier competitor anyone would be proud of... but I ask for one thing in return and you ignore me? You spite me?"

He swallows hard and stares at her, desperate for a quick fix that would make this right for her, but not destroy Spud in turn. "I don't know what to do, Aunt D."

She sighs. "I thought family meant more to you than this, Ethan. But since you can't do the right thing, I suppose I will have to take it out of your hands. I"m going to be watching TNA closely this Thursday. If I don't hear with my own ears you've fired Spud, maybe you're not the man, the competitor I thought you were and I may have to re-evaluate your place in my company. Then you can keep Spud company on the unemployment line." Turning, she walks off with her held high and he gapes after her, struggling for breath.

He loves his career... TNA had been the best thing that happened to him... but Spud... _Spud..._ He punches his fist into the table, gritting his teeth as pain shoots down to his knuckles and up to his elbow. "Shit!"

Ethan meets Spud at the front door when he comes home from work and shakes his head, dragging him out of the house. Spud is obviously confused, very worried, but Ethan can't find it in him to explain. Instead he drives to the outskirts of Nashville and parks haphazardly in a field, getting out of the car and slamming his door shut before rounding the car and holding Spud's door open, waiting for him to scramble out. As soon as they're standing side by side, Ethan sits on the hood of the vehicle and looks up at the stars sparkling overhead.

Spud swallows hard and hesitantly moves to sit next to him, eyes widening when Ethan lightly grips him under the arms and guides him to sit between his legs, hugging him tightly. "Is this ok, Spud?" he asks, not wanting to scare the man, but just needing to hold him in the light of what's happened today, what will have to happen much too soon.

"Yessir," Spud agrees quietly, leaning back against his chest with a small smile. "It's a beautiful night, sir."

"Yeah, it is," he admits, squeezing Spud. It's hard not to cry, to scream, to let out all of the frustration and anger his aunt's made him feel, but he knows that there's little he can do. He's always been coddled but never seen strong enough to have _actual_ power in the business or in his own career- everything had always been decided for him, despite of him. He'd never had say in anything. The only person who seemed to care about _Ethan_ was the man in his arms right now, and soon he was going to break his heart, shatter his spirit. He closes his eyes and listens to Spud's breathing until the man shifts in his arms.

Spud twists around and stares up at Ethan, a worried, curious look in his eyes. "Sir? As nice as this is, I'm tired and I know you have to be too... so how much longer are we staying out here?"

Ethan sighs and stares into his eyes, not wanting this to end. "Just a minute or two longer."

Spud hums. "Well, alright." He sighs and snuggles back into Ethan's warmth, dozing off as Ethan hugs him close.

Finally, Ethan scoots off of the car and scoops him up, carrying him to the backseat of the car, settling him comfortably back there. The drive home is painfully quiet, and after he parks, Ethan carries Spud to his bedroom, settling him in his bed and brushing his soft blond hair out of his eyes before leaning in and kissing his forehead, watching him sleep. "I'm so damn sorry, tiger," he whispers to him. "If there was something I could do..."

The next day, Ethan is asleep when Spud goes to work. He wakes up in the middle of the day to the sounds of car doors slamming- Dixie going to rehab, probably- and sits on the edge of his bed, cranky and trying to regain his senses. He yawns and wipes at his blurry eyes before realizing. Dixie's gone, and Spud's at work, and tomorrow... he swallows hard and rushes through getting dressed and brushing his wild curls out before running for the car, stopping only long enough to get his keys and wallet. He drives as quickly as he dares through the Nashville streets until he finds his way to TNA headquarters, parking roughly and dashing to the entrance to the building.

Spud doesn't have an office, he tends to just go place to place, helping whoever needs him, or filling out paperwork in Dixie's office. He's not welcome there anymore, so Ethan can't imagine where he usually hides out when he needs to concentrate, but he continues looking until he realizes a light's on in a nearby janitor's closet. He stops short and shakes his head in disbelief at Spud being put through even more humiliation but not saying a word about it this entire time. "Bullshit," he groans, reaching out and gingerly knocking in the door.

There's a scramble inside, a bit of a yelp, and then Spud opens the door. "Is there something you need, San-?" He stops short when he catches sight of Ethan, his face paling. "O- oooh, sir. Um, what are you doing here?" He shuffles around awkwardly before clicking the light off and leaving the room, but not before Ethan could see a small crate with papers scattered around it mixed in with the cleaning supplies and other nonsense inside.

It takes everything in Ethan not to yell at Spud for keeping _this_ to himself too, but Spud looks so terrified and uncomfortable that he slowly releases a breath, letting it go. "Let's get out of here," he says softly. "You've worked long enough today. C'mon, Spudsy."

Spud looks like he wants to argue staying but, upon taking one look at his best friend's pale, resolute face, he nods. "Yessir."

They drive around for awhile before Ethan finds somewhere that he thinks sounds decent for supper- a simple, but decent burger joint, that they've both tried a couple of times when they wanted something lowkey, and had enjoyed. After that, Ethan finds a double feature at the matinee and they watch both movies, enjoying the free refills of the popcorn and sodas. By the time it's done, it's well past 10 PM and Ethan reluctantly drives towards the mansion.

Spud sits for a few moments quietly before turning to look at him. "Sir, is there some reason we've done all of this tonight? I mean, we have in the past, yes, but not the night before we have to fly out for an event..." He swallows. "Is something wrong?"

Ethan turns and glances at him at a red light. He wants to say something, forewarn Spud, but it hurts so much. The words just won't come. _Coward, coward, coward,_ he tells himself again and again the rest of the ride home. Thankfully the mansion is quiet and dark so Ethan follows Spud into the house, stopping him before he can go back to his room. "Wait, Spud," he breathes out, wrapping his arms around Spud and holding him close. "I don't want tonight to end."

"Me neither, sir," Spud admits into Ethan's shirt, his fingers tangling in the fabric. It's sudden, it's so abrupt, one minute they're hugging and the next Ethan's leaning down so he and Spud are eye to eye. "Sir..."

"Spud," he breathes out, not seeming to mind the awkward positioning, how uncomfortable this has to be on his back and knees. "I know you stopped me before... so I'm going to ask this time... I want to kiss you. Is that ok?"

Spud's eyes are wide and wet. "Sir," he breathes out, flushing. "I... I..." Tears fill his eyes anew and Ethan swallows, afraid that he'd ruined the progress they'd made since that awful night he'd gotten Spud out of jail. "I won't make you sick, sir. I just won't. I would never forgive myself. I won't know for sure for well over another month, I can't risk it-"

It all painfully makes sense suddenly, why Spud had reacted so violently to this before. Despite all of the signs, Ethan hadn't pieced it together until this moment. Ethan feels stupid for not realizing sooner. He sighs, shaking his head with a rueful smile. "Spud, I refuse to believe the world is that cruel," he tells him quietly. "You've been through enough... but even if you were, it's not like the old days. There are so many advances in medicine now, and I would do all I could to ensure you're healthy and safe... alright?"

"I know you would, sir," he whispers. "But it's not enough. I won't risk you like that. I can't."

Ethan straightens up, he stumbles back and sits down heavily on a chair a few feet behind where they were standing. "Spud..." He closes his eyes, hates how it feels like he's using this to force Spud into doing what he wants, but there's no choice. Spud needs to understand the gravity of the situation. "My aunt is going to ruin what's left of my career if I don't fire you tomorrow. The last few weeks have been me, trying to stall for time, trying to keep her from forcing my hand. I thought it was working, but clearly... not. I have to terminate your contract with us as chief of staff on Impact in less than 24 hours or else I won't be in the company anymore either. She'll fire both of us. And I already have one strike against me. You, your reputation is flawless, you'll bounce back... I might not be as lucky."

Spud stands, frozen, for a long, painful moment, before stepping up to where Ethan is sitting. He gets closer and closer until Ethan shifts his arms, gives him more room, and sits in Ethan's lap, hugging him. "Sir," he whispers. "I knew she hated me... but I didn't realize how much. You've been protecting me this entire time?" Ethan nods slowly and Spud releases a breath before leaning in, their eyes locked on each other. "Yes, sir," he finally says. "It's ok."

Ethan swallows and lightly runs his fingers down Spud's jaw, searching his face for any sign of discomfort, before bridging the gap between them and kissing him. It's soft, gentle at first, but Spud's lips are so welcoming and warm that Ethan quickly loses himself in the moment, the need to feel this overwhelming him so drastically that he barely notices Spud's hands on his shoulders, his mind swimming as he holds onto Spud and deepens the kiss. Reality only returns when he feels those same hands pushing him back, Spud scrambling away with a terrified look on his pale face. Ethan immediately realizes what he's done and feels like the lowest scum on the earth, only slightly above the person who had originally put that look on Spud's face.

He considers standing up, going after him, but rethinks it, knowing that towering over him is the last thing he needs right now. "Spud, I'm so sorry," he gasps, wiping at his lips. "I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to push it beyond what you were comfortable with." Spud is leaning against the nearest wall, his back to Ethan, and now he decides to stand, approach him. "Spud, please... tell me I didn't just screw everything up." He gingerly touches Spud's back and feels him tense up before shaking his head grimly. "Can you look at me?"

Spud turns slowly and stares up at him, eyes redrimmed and hands shaking. "It felt so good, for a moment, sir, but then... then... all I could think about..."

Ethan bites down his murderous rage towards those responsible and pulls Spud into him, hugging him. Once he seems to calm down a bit, Ethan pulls back slightly to look at him. "Do you want to go to bed, Spud? It's going to be a long day tomorrow, and I bet you're tired."

"Will you stay with me, sir?" he asks after a few moments of silence. "I don't think... I can sleep all alone in the dark..."

Ethan closes his eyes and nods. "Yeah, Spud. I'll stay with you." _It's the least I can do after triggering you like an idiot earlier..._ He guides Spud into his bedroom and waits while he kicks his shoes off and settles into bed before laying down next to him, smiling when Spud rolls over and curls up against Ethan's side. "Good night, Spud."

"Good night, sir. Thank you," he breathes out, wrapping an arm loosely around Ethan's midsection before falling asleep.

To Ethan's relief, he sleeps well enough through the night, only stirring once and whimpering louder and louder until Ethan wakes up and strokes his back, whispering to him until he relaxes and stays asleep. Ethan sighs and presses his cheek against Spud's forehead before closing his eyes. "I'm so damn sorry for all of this, Spud," he whispers.

The next morning is quiet. Dixie is the only one who seems to be in a good mood, humming and even tinkering around her garden, which she hadn't done since her injury. Ethan watches her from his bedroom window while Spud showers, returning to Ethan's side in one of his suits and looking as ready to face the day as one could in the circumstances they find themselves in. "Sir?" he asks softly.

"Yes, Spud."

"If I lose my job..." He swallows. "When I lose my job, I'll have to return to England."

The thought had occurred to Ethan a time or two the last few weeks. He remains quiet while turning to look at the shorter man. "I know," he finally breathes out, eyes lowering when Spud walks up to him and hugs him. "I'm sorry. I know you love it here." He hugs Spud back and strokes his hair, hoping that Spud will find comfort in his hometown, surrounded by long time friends and his family. That they will guide him into finding a therapist he's as comfortable with as the one he has here. _But there's time,_ he thinks. _They won't deport him immediately... Maybe I will think of something... maybe he won't have to leave._ He kisses the top of Spud's head. "Let's get our bags and get out of here."

He's never been so eager to get away from his aunt in all of his life, and it's clear Spud feels the same.

No matter how slow he wants time to pass, the flight goes quickly. They arrive at the arena in the blink of an eye, and then it's showtime. Ethan goes to the ring, formulating his thoughts. His only comfort is that Spud knows it's fake, Spud knows that he doesn't mean what he's about to say. That he didn't mean it last week, or the week before, or... He talks about giving Spud a second chance to prove his loyalty to the family, watching as Spud comes to the ring.

Spud, poor, sweet Spud, talks about Ethan's favorite things. The color green, his hotel room being at 71 degrees, and then when he mentions the fans chanting that Ethan can't wrestle, that's their cue to move away from the lighthearted stuff and into the more serious things that will eventually lead to the end of their working relationship. Ethan lambasts him for the night Dixie was put through the table, how Spud fainted, eventually calling him a loser.

Watching Spud square his shoulders, prepare for a fight, is both illuminating and heartbreaking at the same time. He declares he's a rockstar, not a loser, and Ethan swallows hard before pushing him down, slapping him around, before Spud rebounds with a slap of his own. It's rough, and he can see the discomfort in Spud's eyes after the impact, but he merely holds his face and laughs, hoping that Spud can see he's ok. It had stung, in more ways than one, yeah, but he's alright. "You have heart," he declares for the whole arena to hear. "And that's going to make this all the sweeter." His laughter fades as quickly as it'd come, towering over Spud as he says, "Rockstar Spud, you're fired!"

He gets out of the ring as quickly as he can, unable to look at the plumbstruck, heartbroken look on Spud's face any longer. To his relief, the cameras cut off quickly, allowing Spud his privacy as he leaves the ring and walks numbly up the ramp, his eyes downcast despite the growing support from the audience. Ethan wants to meet him at the curtain, hug him and remind him that everything's ok, but he has a role to play. Everything they have done up to now would be for nothing if Dixie got even a hint that things between them were just an act. So he dresses and he goes to the car, gets in and leaves without a glance back.

The hotel is dark, quiet, lifeless without Spud. Ethan sits on the bottom of the bed, waiting and wondering how Spud will get back here, if he will want to see Ethan once he returns. Eventually he gets up and starts pacing around before giving up all pretenses and calling the front desk. "Hello, this is Ethan Carter the Third, in room 345. I was wondering if you've seen the man I checked in with earlier? Short, wearing a ridiculous purple suit? Blond hair, British accent?"

"Oh, yes, sir, he just came through a few minutes ago," the woman working the front desk currently says.

That's all Ethan needs to hear. "Thanks," he says before hanging up quickly. Going to the door, he opens it up just in time to find Spud leaning against the wall between the elevator and their door, his shoulders shaking. There's so much Ethan wants to say as he approaches Spud but they all fail, rattle around in his brain as he steps up to him. Finally he just whispers, "Spud..." and holds his arms out as his best friend pulls away from the wall and walks towards him, quietly burying his face in Ethan's chest. "I've got you. You're safe now. Everything's gonna be ok." He can't promise it, there's a high chance that things _won't_ be ok after this, but he can't think of anything else to say to the brokenhearted man in his arms right now. He lifts Spud up and carries him into the room, settling him on the bed and kneeling in front of him, helping him to take his shoes and suit off, maintaining eye contact the entire time and murmuring soothingly to him.

Spud cries himself to sleep and Ethan shakes his head, holding him closely, doubting, not for the first time, if his career is really worth all of this.

The flight home is somehow more subdued than the flight to the event was. Ethan holds Spud's hand, ignoring the glances they get, and is already on the move, if only mentally, about what to do next. Spud can't go back to the mansion, so he books him a hotel. Sits across from him in a cushy chair and listens as he calls immigration. Hearing the details of Spud's return flight to England makes Ethan feel nauseous and he gets up, heads into the hall. Paces back and forth for awhile before pulling out his own phone. He dials TNA headquarters, for once desperate to talk to Kurt Angle. Angle is in control of day to day operations and for once, this works in Ethan's favor. It's his best opportunity to get Spud rehired, at any rate. Except that Angle either isn't in, or recognized Ethan's number and refused to answer.

Ethan grits his teeth and paces around a few more laps before returning to the room. Spud is sitting on the floor of the bed, staring at his hands. "There's nothing that can be done, unless I get another job in the next eight days." He laughs brokenly, wiping at his eyes. "I'm going home, sir."

Ethan closes his eyes, sucks in a deep breath, and sits next to Spud, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

The next few days are spent much the same. Ethan barely leaves Spud's side and he knows Dixie is suspicious because she calls a few times. Ethan leaves the room to answer and each time claims he's out partying, celebrating, something anything.

"Pleased to have that albatross off from around your neck, hm, nephew? I told you it would be the right thing to do. Now you can just focus on yourself." She sounds proud of him, pleased as punch. "But don't forget that TNA is having another event tomorrow and you need to be there. I have a surprise for you... I've hired you an enforcer! His name is Tyrus, I'm sure you two will get along much better than you and that annoying pipsqueak ever did."

Ethan casts a doubtful glance towards the door that he and Spud's been camped out behind for days now. _I hope not,_ he thinks with a shudder. "Thanks, Aunt D. I won't forget my flight. I'll let you know what I think of Tyrus when I meet him. Oh, some ladies want to dance... I'll call you later. Bye Aunt D!" He hangs up quickly and shudders at the thought of having to work with someone else when he's still left with the bitter aftertaste of those terrible words he'd said to Spud the week prior on his tongue, the fact that Angle still hasn't gotten ahold of him eating at him every waking moment.

Spud, his best friend, the kindest, gentlest, most loving man he'd ever met, is slipping through his fingers and there's nothing Ethan can do about it. Yet again, his money, his influence, his name has little basis on what's going on around him and another person he loves is about to be hurt dreadfully because of it. "Dammit," he sighs before returning to the room and listening to Spud on the phone with his parents back in England. They're supportive of their son, gentle and loving with him, but they're _not_ Ethan, he knows Spud, all of his nightmares and what triggers him, how far he's come since the night he was released from the jail, and how much further he still has to go.

After a quiet meal of lasagna and garlic bread, Ethan and Spud settle into bed to watch some random movie, neither sure of what. "Sir?" Spud whispers halfway through the first part.

"Yes?"

"It'll be nice to see my parents and friends in England again..." His hand finds Ethan's and squeezes it. "But I will miss you so bloody much... You've been the best friend I could've asked for..."

Ethan's eyes itch as he struggles not to cry and he wraps an arm around Spud, pulling him in close and hugging him tight. "Dammit, Spud," he whispers. "You are the best friend I've ever had, and you will always be. No matter where you're at, or where I'm at." Spud smiles slightly as Ethan stares down at him, his finger brushing Spud's lips. "I know this worries you... but..." Before he can finish talking, Spud inches up and presses a kiss to Ethan's lips, surprising him. It's gentle, careful, and this time Ethan makes sure not to move too fast, not to freak Spud out, and when Spud gently moves away a few moments later, his eyes are gleaming in the soft lamp light. Ethan swallows and examines his face before pressing his forehead to Spud's, searching his eyes. "I'm falling in love with you, Spud."

It's abrupt. The words surprise Ethan almost as much as Spud kissing him had. But it's true, it's sincere. Ever since seeing him in the jail- well, probably long before that if Ethan's going to be honest- feelings of protectiveness and hurt towards everything Spud was going through had grown in Ethan. All he'd wanted to do was hug Spud, keep him safe, and he had failed at a lot of it, but he's not done trying. Immigration is still knocking, yes, but there's one last thing he can try.

Spud is shocked into silence and they stare at each other for a few moments. "Sir..." he whispers, a miserable look crossing his face.

Ethan immediately doubts himself. If perhaps Spud, despite his loyalty and dedication to him, doesn't feel the same after all, if perhaps despite all of the therapy and everything else, he's just not ready for something of this magnitude... He reaches out and cups Spud's hands. "It's ok, don't worry about it. I didn't say it to make you feel pressured into reciprocating, or anything else. You have enough going on. I just... wanted to say it before I have to leave you to go to the next TNA event."

Spud nods, watching as Ethan lifts his hands up and kisses them softly before letting them go and turning his attention to the movie. He releases a breath and turns troubled eyes back to the TV screen as well, not able to focus on anything but what Ethan just said to him.

When Spud wakes up the next morning, Ethan's already gone. He groans and drops his face back into the pillow, feeling like even more of a failure.

-x

Tyrus is alright. He's quiet, he's watchful. He's a big guy, and just the right kind of imposing. Ethan watches as he glares at a tech who dares get too close to Ethan while he's eating, smirking to himself. It is kind of fun, but he misses the inane British chatter that used to always keep him company, drag him out of his own head while he prepared for matches or whatever he had to do that night. Which, thankfully, is just introducing Tyrus and watching him demolish Shark Boy.

Afterwards, in a lull, he slips through the halls and finds Kurt Angle's office. He's still not sure if Angle had noticed any of his calls, had read any of his messages. But this requires a slightly more desperate action. He has a carefully penned note, that sounds _almost_ polite and respectful, completely out of the ordinary for Ethan. It's unsigned, the envelope is as anonymous as it can be, and he takes a deep breath as he lays it down on the pile of paperwork, seeing each word in his mind's eye as he walks out and shuts the door quietly behind him.

 _Mr. Angle,_

 _I am not sure if you're aware, but at this moment, Rockstar Spud is being deported out of the States due to his lack of a job since being fired by Ethan Carter. Although you haven't had the best history with Spud or the Carters, he's a decent, hardworking guy, and he doesn't deserve this. All you have to do is rewatch British Bootcamp season 1 to see how badly he wants this, how much of an asset he'll be to your roster now that he's out from under Dixie Carter's thumb. At least consider rehiring him, please._

 _-A concerned party_

Ethan barely sleeps that night, tossing and turning.

When Ethan returns to Nashville the next afternoon, he hopes that Spud has good news, that Angle had read his note and acted quickly on it, but Spud still looks glum and pale, tired and shaky. Ethan examines him for a moment before drawing him to the table, ordering food and making sure he eats the BLT and potato chips when they arrive. "You haven't heard anything?"

Spud nods and for a moment Ethan's heart constricts, afraid that Angle's refused him, but he breathes out, "My flight out to England is tomorrow morning."

It's soon. It's so damn soon. They have tonight together, and then... then... Ethan closes his eyes and slips out of his chair, kneeling next to Spud. "Spud..." he whispers, hands warm on his knees. "Spud..."

"Sir?" he asks, eyes wide and worried. He stares at Ethan's hands with something close to trepidation before resting his palms atop the much larger, warmer fingers. "It'll be ok, sir. Somehow..."

Ethan closes his eyes and releases a blustery breath that poor Spud, who's been through so much, with so much more to endure ahead, is trying to comfort _him_ right now. "Spud," he whispers, the fragment of an idea that's been rattling around in his brain for weeks now finally finding root and turning into a true plan, should Spud agree to it. "I don't want to make things worse for you, or scare you... but..." He swallows and ponders briefly how best to word this. Meeting Spud's eyes, he forces a smile. "I don't want you to leave with... with only knowing pain and terror from your time in the States. You deserve at least one good memory..."

Spud swallows and wipes at his eyes. "I've had plenty with you, sir."

 _The bad far outweighs the good,_ Ethan can't help thinking before leaning in and resting his face on Spud's hands. "I meant... you deserve..." Finding his bravery again, he sits up and looks Spud in the face once more. "You deserve to be held, and touched... and kissed..." His brows furrow as he rubs circles in Spud's hands. "And loved, Spud. You deserve to be loved."

"What are you saying, sir?" Spud asks, his voice choked and thin.

"I'm saying I want to be your first, Spud." It's rash, it's impulsive, but it's something Ethan's been thinking about for so long by now that it feels like the most natural thing in the world to suggest.

Spud, however, looks like he's been punched in the gut. "I... I... but... the jail-"

"The jail doesn't count, Spud!" Ethan exclaims, quickly lowering his voice when he sees it's not helping Spud's nerves any. "That wasn't... you didn't get to experience the real thing. How it feels, everything that comes with knowing that someone _wants_ you like that, because you're you, and... and you're beautiful inside and out, and you deserve to feel good and cherished, and..." He cuts himself off, a little humiliated and empty now that all that he's been holding in the past few months has finally come out. He shifts up so he and Spud are almost eye to eye and whispers, "Please. Please, Spud..."

They breathe together for a moment, tears dripping down Spud's flushed face, when he shakes his head off of a sob. "I can't do it, sir. I can't risk contaminating you... You know I refuse to do that... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I was in England and learned that you were sick too. Please, sir, don't ask that of me again."

Ethan shudders. Wraps his arms around Spud and holds him close. "I know you're scared. And I'm not going to force you into anything you don't feel comfortable with, Spud. But tell me one thing... please..."

"What is it, sir?" he whispers, digging his fingers in Ethan's shirt.

"Before all of this, be- before jail... did you ever want me?" Ethan whispers into his hair. Spud's nod feels like a revelation and a curse all at the same time. He closes his eyes and kisses the top of Spud's head. "Tell me when?"

"When..." Spud coughs and mulls the question over. "When... when you saved me from Willow... when you... when you gave me that pep talk, when... you... when you didn't dissuade the audience from calling me your boyfriend." He pulls away and looks up into Ethan's plumbstruck face with a soft, sad smile. "Sir, did you think I called you supple just to get heat?" He shakes his head with a broken laugh. "No, I... it's how I really felt." He's flushed, and he's sad, and it's the opening Ethan's been looking for to nudge into and break down Spud's fears and insecurities.

"I agreed with the audience because on some level, it felt like you were," he shares softly. "We were always together, you were always so loyal no matter how shitty I treated you, and after all of the meals and the movies and late night discussions on how to save my aunt, and everything else..." He releases a breath. "Spud, tomorrow you're leaving, you're leaving me and we don't know for how long, but I don't know when I'll get to see you again because my aunt is going to be watching me like a hawk and I just... I can't let it end this way. I know you're scared, for a number of reasons, and you have every right to be, but this is my choice too... and I think you're worth the risk, and I'll accept whatever consequences come from it... but please, don't let this night slip through our fingers like all of the others have."

There's another long, painful silence and Ethan's not sure his words are working, but then Spud's face clears and he leans forward, pressing his forehead to Ethan's, searching his eyes. "I won't, sir," he says softly, leaning in and capturing Ethan's lips in what starts off as a soft, barely there kiss, but quickly grows in heat and intensity. Ethan moans softly, digging his fingers into the rungs of the chair, before wrapping his arms around Spud and pulling him closer. Despite Spud's size, it's still not enough, the chair's not big enough, so he lifts Spud up and carries him to the bed, lightly laying him down against the pillows before settling down next to him, not wanting to move too fast and scare him.

"Are you sure?" he whispers, tracing Spud's lips with his hand. Spud nods, his eyes bright and focused on Ethan's face, before he reaches down and starts to pull Spud's shirt up. Spud bites his bottom lip, a sign of nervousness, until Ethan leans forward and kisses him to distract him as he sits him up to pull his shirt over his head. Spud sighs at the rasp of fabric against his flesh before finding Ethan's shirt and unbuttoning it slowly, brushing it off of his shoulders where it pools on the edge of the bed. They take a minute to stare at each other, let the moment sink in, what's to come. They've seen each other's bodies plenty of times before and after matches, during trainer check ups, the usual, but there's something different here, more intimate...

Spud watches quietly as Ethan trails his fingers along his shoulders and down, along his pecs. Across his ribs, around the ridges of his abs, allowing himself the opportunity to touch Spud as much as he wants to for once. "Sir," he sighs, Ethan immediately looking at him. He half-smiles and tilts his head, tangling his fingers with Ethan's. "I won't break."

That's all Ethan needs to hear to move things a little faster, easing Spud back against the pillows and settling on top of him. Spud's eyes are closed, his lips parted as Ethan trails kisses down his warm flesh before easing back up to his face. "Are you ok?" he whispers, just to make sure.

Spud opens his eyes and releases a ragged breath. "I'm great, sir," he whispers, his words fading into a soft moan when Ethan kisses him. "Are you?"

"Never better," he sighs, his lips following his hand's earlier path.

Spud grits his teeth and chokes out, "Bloody _hell,_ sir," causing Ethan to laugh and lean back up to hover over the pillows, staring into Spud's eyes.

"Something wrong, Spu-?" His voice suddenly gets caught in his throat when Spud shifts under him just so, causing him to groan and grip the pillow as tightly as possible. Spud's giggle brings him back to reality and he narrows his eyes at Spud despite enjoying the look on the British man's face. He huffs before leaning in and kissing Spud hard, successfully putting an end to both of their attempts at speaking.

Later, they're both on the cusp of sleep when Spud tilts his head and stares at Ethan in the dark. "Sir?"

"Yes, Spud?"

He hesitates for a moment, weighing his words. "Does it... always feel like that, sir?"

Ethan hums into Spud's shoulder, smiling. "When you do it right, Spud, yes." He stays awake just long enough to feel a soft kiss on his lips and a whispered thank you before the darkness claims him.

The curtains are still drawn hours later, the now rising sun barely able to bite into the room and disturb them, but something wakes Ethan up anyway. He's sated and warm, barely able to move a muscle, when he hears shuffling behind him. Soft footsteps, and the buzz of a zipper. Fabric rasps, then a strange thud or two, but it's still not enough to get him to move, take away all of his fresh memories of the night before- Spud's bright eyes, his soft hands, how thick his accent became, how warm and welcoming he was to Ethan's ministrations.

It's not until he feels a touch grazing down his back, soft lips pressing against his forehead, that he feels like something's wrong, reality seeping back in and taking the bliss away. "Goodbye, sir." Then the warmth is gone, there's a click as the door is closed and locked, and...

He sits up sharply and looks around. The room is empty, half-lit, and... all of Spud's things are gone. He nearly beans himself on the wall next to the bed as he tries to get up, legs tangled in the sheets. "Spud!" Not caring about his state of undress, he rushes for the door and pushes it open just to find the hall empty, the elevator already heading down to the first floor. "No, no-" Scrambling back into the room, he grabs his clothes and shoes from the various places they'd ended up and forces them all on carelessly before running for the door once more. "Dammit, Spud, you- you..." He shakes his head and lunges for the stairwell, too impatient to wait. Floor after floor after floor, and he's thankful they were only on the fourth floor, as the ground floor rushes up to meet him. He slams through the door and into the lobby of the hotel, ignoring everything and everyone as he runs for the entrance.

He skids to a stop on the chilly pavement, jaw dropping as he watches a taxi pull away. "SPUD!" he screams into the morning silence, hands tensing into fists at his side. "No, no... No, dammit!" He looks around quickly and finds the car, amazed and relieved that his wallet and keys were still in his jeans pockets after the night before. Racing for the car, he jabs at the button on the keyfob until it beeps to unlock. He peels out as soon as he has it started up, tires skidding as he tries to make up time. He's trapped at a red light, feeling like his life is draining away with each minute wasted, and stares up at the exit that leads towards the airport. "You wouldn't even give me the chance to say goodbye, Spud?" he whispers, shocked when he realizes his eyes are wet. Tears are dripping down his cheeks. He can't remember the last time he really cried... but then he can. When Spud was put through the table by Bully and Ethan couldn't help him, trapped feet away and having no choice but to watch. He feels about as helpless right now.

Squaring his shoulders, he shakes his head desperately and roughly wipes them away. "No, it's not ending this way. I won't let it. Dammit, I'm a Carter and he needs me!" He's amazed afterwards that police doesn't stop him, considering how recklessly he drives around the sharp turns that lead to the airport, racing through the parking lot to find somewhere to park at. Finally growing too impatient, he stops the car with a squeech, pulls the keys out and takes off at a desperate run. _Let them tow it, I don't care!_

The airport is bustling, people going here or there, some saying bye to their relatives and loved ones. He purposely keeps his eyes off of them as he pushes through the few loitering crowds of people not smart enough to get out of his way in time. He finds the international gates and has just turned a corner when he finds Spud and the camera crew he'd ordered the day before to go film a video of Spud saying farewell to his fans. It had broken his heart to agree to it, but he knew if he failed at keeping Spud in the States, at least he could offer him this. He watches, heart pounding in his throat, as Spud begins his forlorn little goodbye and Ethan's this close to rushing forward, cameras and his aunt be damned, and grabbing Spud for a proper farewell, when they both hear it.

Spud's phone goes off. He makes his excuses to the camera crew, pulling it out of his pocket and gaping at it. Ethan hears from across the hallway. "It's Kurt Angle," he says in awe. Ethan doesn't need to hear the rest, his knees turning to rubber as he leans against the wall and listens until Spud says, "I'm a wrestler. I'm a _wrestler._ " As realization dawns, he stares down at his ticket. "It's non-refundable..." He stumbles out of the range of the camera and they quickly pack up, not being paid to loiter around the airport.

Dixie wants them back as soon as possible, not seeing why her nephew would agree to such a pointless video, but Ethan doesn't care about them as he maneuvers his body back around so he can see Spud. His step faltering, he leans against the nearest wall and closes his eyes, slumping slowly to the ground as his legs give out. Ethan swallows hard, clenching his hands into fists at his side as Spud hugs his knees to his chest and buries his face into them, visibly shaking. The instant the camera crew is out of sight, Ethan walks over and sits down next to Spud, listening to his ragged breathing for a moment before reaching over and cupping an arm around his shoulders, drawing him over. It reminds him of the shower, all of those weeks ago, but different. Sharper in the early morning sun, so God-awful that this keeps happening to the poor, beautiful man next to him.

Spud tenses for a moment, then looks up as tears pour down thicker from his redrimmed eyes upon his recognizing who has ahold of him. "Sir," he sobs. Twisting around and burying himself in Ethan's comforting warmth, he chokes out, "I'm a wrestler, sir. Kurt Angle rehired me." They sit there for a few moments, Ethan's fingers soothing and soft against Spud's hair, when he pulls back and looks up at him, awe in his deep blue eyes. "You did this, didn't you? You got me rehired?"

Ethan's smirk is thin. "While you were on the phone with immigration, I spent a week calling and calling, but he refused to answer my calls. Then Wednesday he refused to see me, so I did the only thing I could and left an _anonymous_ note for him on his desk." He pauses for a moment, chuffing Spud on the chin gently. "But I did nothing to get you rehired, that was all you and your natural ability, Spud. You're amazing and even someone as blind as Angle would have to be able to see that."

Spud's cheeks are dark red as he searches Ethan's face. "Sir, I wouldn't have made it this far without your help." He rests his head on the other man's shoulder and breathes sharply. "Thank you."

They sit there for a few moments before Ethan pulls away and stands up, holding his hand out to Spud. "Let's go home." Home, right now, is the hotel, but he's already thinking of a fix for _that_ now that he knows Spud will be staying in the States. Spud's fingers meet with his and he pulls him up to his feet, leaning down to collect his luggage before they walk side by side to the exit. Ethan remembers the car and laughs upon finding it still where he'd parked it- a ticket is stuck in the windshield wipers, but that's fine. It's still there, he can still drive it to get Spud back to their room, to eat some food and then back to bed for some real rest that he's sure neither of them have really had in weeks, and that's all that matters.

"What is it, sir?" Spud asks, not seeing what's funny. Ethan merely shakes his head and unlocks the passenger's side door for Spud, leaning in to look at him as he clicks his seatbelt in place. "Sir-" His words are muffled, then drowned out entirely when Ethan kisses him warmly. He gasps, then tries to follow his lips a few inches when he moves away, shutting the door and moving back to the driver's side with a spring to his step. _Spud's staying!_

Neither of them are sure what to do after they're back in the hotel room so Ethan changes, finally, into sweatpants and a tank top and lays down next to Spud, who is still wearing the I'm With Spud shirt, and white shorts that he'd worn to the airport. Neither are tired, per se, but it's nice to lay here, in perfect silence, and not have any significantly pressing worries to dwell on right now. Dixie is still a problem for them personally, yes, but Spud's been rehired through Kurt Angle and she has no power over the decision. Ethan can't help but feel a little giddy that his gamble had worked- that Angle had finally, at the absolutely last minute, had rehired Spud, and now nothing can separate them ever again.

Ethan frowns at this thought, remembering something very important, and sits up, cupping Spud's face with his free hand. "I was thinking. I know you love Nashville, but it's not a good place for me anymore." Doubt fills Spud's eyes and he tries to hasten to explain. "I'm going to buy a house in Boca Raton."

"Florida, sir?" Spud whispers, the doubt intensifying and being joined with some fear. "But what about... about me?"

Ethan's lips twitch a little and he strokes Spud's face. "Well, I was thinking we would get you an apartment all of your own here... maybe get some roommates for you... but it would just be for appearance's sake, so the office has an address for you that my aunt wouldn't think twice about. Then once all of that was settled, you would live with me in Florida, Spud."

Spud's jaw drops in shock. "Sir... You would... want me to? I mean, with all of my Disney movies, and everything else that I know you find ridiculous...?"

"Yeah, Spud," he murmurs softly. "All of it and more. What do you say?"

Spud's head tilts and he spots them in the mirror across from the bed, the pure affection on Ethan's face as he stares down at Spud. To see what he had felt from the other man the night before, he finds himself nodding. "Yessir," he breathes out. "Please..."

Ethan's grin is blinding before he leans forward and kisses Spud once more, somehow gentle and intense, passionate and sweet all at once.

The sun has been risen a few hours the next morning when Ethan wakes up with vague horror, his senses returning sharply. But instead of waking up cold and alone like he had the morning prior, he wakes up with a familiar weight on his chest, soft breaths puffing against his skin. Blond hair tickles his neck and throat as Spud sleeps in his arms, his eyes softening. Spud's clothes and other things are scattered around the room once more, showing absolutely no plans of a sudden escape, and Ethan smiles in relief, the pieces of the puzzles coming together in his mind. He leans forward and kisses Spud's forehead. "Thank you for staying."

The next month isn't easy. Dixie is still a cause of tension between them, her ever-terrible presence causing more stress for them as Spud looks for an apartment in Tennessee while Ethan scours Boca Raton for a good house for the two of them. On top of that, the three month period for Spud's next test is inching ever closer, and then one day he receives a phone call. He's drowning in paperwork from his real estate agent that Ethan had hired to help him find a decent place and he barely pauses to glance at the screen before answering it. "Hullo?"

It's Tyrus and he barely hears what the man has to say before he drops all of the papers and runs out of the building, rushing for the car. Ethan had been in Tennessee, to oversee the last of his things shipped to Florida, not trusting it to Dixie or any of her other workers. A fact that Spud would forever be thankful for, Tyrus had been by his side when he'd stormed into the gym after another argument with Dixie, who wasn't pleased that he was leaving the mansion to live in Florida with no warning, and had tried to deadlift the world in his anger until his arm had failed him. He'd felt it, the sharp tear of his bicep muscle as he'd lifted the ridiculous weights over his head, trapped there in a sea of pain and horror until Tyrus had grabbed the weight and saved him from being crushed under it.

He looks a little ashamed when he catches his first glimpse of Spud in the ER, the upset man rushing to him and cupping his face. "Sir, sir, what _happened?_ "

"Tore my bicep muscle," he sighs. "I'll need surgery." Spud's face falls and he leans in, kissing him desperately, his lips wet and trembling. "I'll be ok. Don't worry, Spud." He rubs his nose against Spud's, smiling comfortingly at him. "I'll have the best nurse by my side, taking care of me." He squeezes Spud's hands when he looks confused, kissing him until his eyes clear.

"Oh," he whispers, the two of them lost in each other until the nurse enters, clearing her throat. They pull apart sharply, listening as she explains care for his arm until his doctor can be contacted, a date for surgery can be made. They fill a prescription for pain meds in the interim and Spud strokes Ethan's hair gently, listening intensely to all of this, determined to do what he can to help Ethan through the agonizing wait period until the surgery. Once she leaves, Spud looks up at Tyrus, swallowing hard. The only times they'd been within arm's reach of each other in the TNA ring, Tyrus had beaten him down, but they're both here for Ethan, so he assumes that Ethan had explained to him what was going on between them.

He shifts uncomfortably and releases a shaky breath. "I have an appointment tomorrow. If you wouldn't mind, could you... stay with Ethan until... until..." He struggles. This is all such bad timing, he's scheduled to have his tests tomorrow and results would take a day or two to come in and if he gets bad news, he might not be in the right state of mind to be there for Ethan during his surgery, but... first things first, he has to at least make it through the appointment to take his blood...

"Excuse me?" Ethan demands, sitting up straighter. "There's no way in hell you're going alone, Spud." Reaching out with his good hand, he finds Spud's and squeezes his fingers. "I'm coming with. I'm with you during every second of this, no matter what kind of invalid I am. Even if I broke both legs in the next 24 hours, no one could keep me from being with you during this."

Spud closes his eyes and lifts Ethan's hand, kissing his fingers. "Sir..."

"Don't argue with me," Ethan says. "You've been by my side through the best and worst moments of the last year of my life no matter what I did to you, it's long past time I return the favor." He had abandoned him in the jail, taking them down this path, and he refuses to make that same mistake again.

Spud ducks his head before nodding weakly. "Fine... fine, sir." His lips still warm against Ethan's fingers, he smiles brokenly. "Thank you, sir."

Every step sends pain shooting up Ethan's arm, but he maintains his promise. Accompanies Spud to the doctor's office, watching while they drain some blood from his arm. Bandages him up, explains to him the average waiting period, and promises to call him as soon as they have information. They're both quiet on the drive back to the hotel, Ethan unable to bring himself to return to the mansion with his arm in this sling. Dixie had been frantic upon hearing about his injury and he'd explained, while the impeccable moving service he'd hired takes the last few boxes out, that he was flying out to Georgia for his surgery the next day, and no he doesn't need her there. After promising to call her after the surgery, he leaves without a glance back.

He lays in Spud's arms that night, the two of them unable to find the energy to turn the TV on or even talk much. They listen to each other's breathing, Spud's fingers gentle against his chest and stomach while Ethan traces circles in his thigh. "You're going to like Boca Raton, Spud," he finally whispers, almost asleep. "It's so beautiful..."

"As long as you're there, sir, I'm sure I will," Spud whispers back to him, his fingers moving slower as exhaustion takes him over as well.

"I love you, Spud." Ethan had said it a few times the last few weeks, not surprised but not taking it personally that Spud's not acknowledged it verbally yet. The look in his eyes, the gentleness of his touch, the growing desperation of his kisses, says it all for him.

His surgery is outpatient, and the doctor seems pleased with the immediate results. Claims it's a success but Ethan's dozy, his eyes hazy from the anesthesia, the pain, so Spud is once more glad for Tyrus' presence as he guides Ethan from the car to the hotel that they're staying in now. Tyrus has a room to himself, giving Spud and Ethan privacy, and once Ethan is propped up in bed, his arm resting on three pillows to keep it elevated, Spud sinks down next to him and checks his phone, his worries splintered in so many directions that he's not sure what to stress out over the most.

"Anything?" Ethan mumbles, his good hand reaching out for Spud, hesitating only momentarily as Spud shakes his head distractedly. He touches Spud's back and smiles when the shorter man turns and curls up against him, careful not to jostle him when he wraps his arm around his waist. They lay for a few moments, Ethan's breathing evening out until Spud thinks he's asleep, when he whispers, "Let's watch a movie. You pick."

"Hm? But you were just out of surgery, sir, I think you should-" Ethan's fingers on his lips stops him and he looks up, eyes fluttering a little. "Sir?"

Ethan's shaking his head slowly. "No, Spud. Go ahead." He strokes Spud's face with a small smile. "I'm fine. All medicated and feelin' pretty. Choose somethin'."

Spud laughs sadly and kisses Ethan. "You really are on the good stuff, aren't you, sir?" Sitting up, he pulls out the laptop and searches for his DVDs. "Aha," he whispers, finding just the right one. Putting it in, he returns to Ethan's side and settles the laptop between them so Ethan can see it too if he wants. _Bambi_ starts to play, the sobering opening scene leading to Bambi making friends and learning various life lessons. Spud's pretty sure Ethan's almost asleep when, fifteen minutes into the movie, his phone goes off. He curses softly, enjoying the distraction the movie is providing him, but quickly pauses it as soon as he looks at his phone.

"What is it?" Ethan asks, resting a hand on Spud's back.

"It's- it's the doctor's office," he says shakily, hitting the touch screen with numb fingers to put it on speaker so Ethan can hear too. "Hullo?"

"Hello, is this James?" It's the perky, familiar voice of the nurse present during his blood test and he swallows hard.

"Yes, this is him."

"Alright, we have your test results here, and they've all come back negative." Whatever else she says goes over their heads as they stare at each other, tears filling Spud's eyes while he fumbles his phone, only holding onto it because Ethan reaches over and squeezes his fingers. "If you have any questions or concerns, please let us know, but everything looks great."

He sniffs and wipes at his face before stammering out, "Thank you so much. So much... Goodbye." He barely waits for the woman to respond before ending the call, grabbing the laptop and moving it away, hugging Ethan as desperately as he dares, considering his arm. Ethan hugs him back and smiles sadly, stroking his hair. "Sir, bloody hell, I'm healthy... and I get to stay in the States with you, and... and..." He sits up and stares into Ethan's gleaming eyes, an uncertain look crossing his face. "What does this mean, sir?"

"It means whatever you want it to mean, Spud," Ethan tells him softly, the medicated haze he's in quickly fading away when Spud leans in and kisses him desperately, deepening the kiss and whimpering as his hands explore here and there, Ethan's various muscles a playground for his lithe fingers. Ethan's disappointed when Spud stops and moves away, but then he sees the look on the other man's face.

"Sir, you have said this to me a few times over the weeks... and I couldn't find it in me to reciprocate because first I was worried I was going to have to leave you... and my fears about my being ill made it even harder to respond... could you... would you...?"

Ethan laughs softly, cutting him off, and Spud frowns until he glances up to see an affectionate look in Ethan's dark eyes as he reaches out to stroke Spud's cheek. "I'm in love with you, Spud."

Spud's face lights up and he looks like he can breathe again, pressing his lips against Ethan's hand. "I'm in love with you too, sir." They kiss again, softly, before Spud gingerly pulls away and twists to look at Ethan's poor, braced arm. The hinge brace keeping it at the right angle following surgery is daunting, more than a little scary, but Spud lifts the icepack and goes to refill it with fresh ice. When he returns, he places it in the same place and presses a kiss to Ethan's poor swollen, bruised looking fingers. "I'm going to take good care of you, sir. I promise." He smiles sadly at Ethan as he extends his good hand towards Spud, wrapping it around him when he crawls back up and settles against Ethan's chest.

"I know you will," he whispers. "You always have." They lay there for awhile, lost in thought, when Ethan stirs. "As for what you asked, earlier. About what this all means?"

"Yessir?" Spud asks when he hesitates, sitting up and staring at him.

"I think it means, if you're ready for it, and if you _want_ it..." Ethan sighs and shifts against the pillows, feeling utterly helpless since he can't sit up or hold Spud properly, or do much of anything. "... that we're officially in a relationship."

Spud freezes for a moment before tilting his head, an overwhelming smile crossing his face. " _If_ I want it, sir?" he repeats in awe. "If... Yes, I bloody well want it!" Cupping Ethan's face with his hands, he kisses him passionately, unable to find it inside of himself to pull away any time soon this go around. Ethan's hand is warm on his lower back, and his entire body is tingling, and he's not sure how he was able to resist this for as long as he did- how either of them survived the weeks without just giving in, admitting what so many other people had seen months ago. Spud groans softly, kissing every inch of Ethan's face, before settling back in against his neck, kissing his throat lazily. "Sir...?"

"Yeah, Spud?" Ethan sounds sleepy, content despite his arm and exhaustion from the surgery and everything else, and Spud is loath to make him lose that. "What is it?"

"I'm just thinking... I know... it's kind of fast, because we still have so many things to deal with, considering your aunt... and I don't want to freak you out, or make you think I mean right this minute... but I think... in time... what's between us could become strong enough," he hesitates and breathes in deeply, closing his eyes against the comfort of Ethan's warmth, "that we could... we could get married some day. You know? It's a- it's a nice thought..."

Ethan's eyes are dark, thoughtful when Spud looks up at him. He doesn't say anything for so long that Spud's certain he's ruined everything, but then... "And we could get a cat."

Spud immediately relaxes and kisses Ethan's jaw, warming to the idea of a pet to join their life together. "Just one, sir? We should get two, so it's not lonely when we're on the road and such."

"Hmm, good point," Ethan sighs. "Ok, two cats. What would you name 'em?" he wonders, tapping Spud's chin. Spud hesitates, lost in thought for a moment, before he turns to glance at the laptop. Ethan's eyes trail after his and immediately he shakes his head. "Oh, no way am I having cats named after Disney characters. Spud, c'mon-"

"Sir, there is a very good reason for it!" Spud exclaims, pouting up at him. "I just... I think what we name them should have some sort of... significance... and what moment in our lives is more significant than this one, when I'm told that I'm healthy and we can be together without fear now?"

"And the one where you finally told me you loved me," Ethan says with a smirk.

"Yes, that one too," Spud says softly, flushing. "Sir..."

"Oh fine, we'll name them after Bambi characters. So, what would you name it?"

Spud ponders for a moment, resting his head on Ethan's shoulder as he looks over at the screen. "I know." He smiles. "I'd name it Clover." Ethan grunts and rolls his eyes skywards before laughing when Spud huffs and teases him by hovering close enough that their lips are almost touching, but not quite. "What would you name yours then, sir?"

Ethan thinks it through for a moment, glancing over at the laptop. "What was that skunk's name?"

"Flower?"

He groans, dropping back against his pillows in frustration. "Hell no, I'm not having cats named Clover _and_ Flower... though I guess Skunk itself could work... What do you think? Clover and Skunk? How's that sound?"

Spud beams, finally bridging the gap and kissing him, his fingers brushing through Ethan's hair. "It all sounds ridiculously perfect, sir," he murmurs.

They still have Dixie to contend with, her everlasting crusade to cause Spud unmentionable pain and humiliation, and Spud will have to continue with his therapy, while Ethan rehabs his arm... but all in all, they'll have each other through all of the highs and the lows, and because of that alone, Ethan can't find anything to disagree with in Spud's statement.


End file.
